A Moment of Weakness

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

You know, it’s funny how I am laying in bed right now, wishing on every star that I could close my eyes, no thoughts, no distractions, and fall into that wonderful deep sleep that not even dreams can find you. But I can’t. So I am going to write from my heart instead.

I woke up yesterday after not even having a full 2 hours sleep and thought never had I ever felt so lifeless and weak as I did in that moment. Colton was up every hour. I had thoughts racing through my head about the events of the next day. Would the meeting at my dad’s office be successful? Would people really listen to what we have to say? Thoughts like that wouldn’t leave my mind no matter how hard I wished them away. Hayden woke up at 5 and then at 7, when she normally sleeps until at least 8:30. I felt like I didn’t have an ounce of energy in me to get up from the couch and walk the 10 feet to retrieve her out of her crib as she cried out, “mommy, ou (out).” But, I knew my day needed to start. Even thought it was early, I already felt the stress of being late. The house looked like a tornado blew through it-the dishes everywhere, clean clothes folded on the bed that needed to find their place, dirty clothes splattered on the floor with their like colors, toys plastering the floor…everywhere, ants stealing away the leftover crumbs from Hayden’s cracker (I know, disgusting), cookies that needed to be baked for the meeting, a baby that desperately just wanted to be held in his momma’s arms, a little girl that wanted her momma to just sit and play with her. All these things needing to be down and I couldn’t find the strength to do a single thing. I wanted to just crawl back in bed, cry myself into that deep sleep that I haven’t seen since before Colton was born. But I couldn’t. So after a sob fest over the phone to my mom (poor lady, she has such an emotional, needy daughter right now),I found myself on my knees, in tears, and prayed for a strength only God could give to me. I needed him to breathe in me the energy I needed for the day, for my kids. I had to believe that God would answer this prayer. When I looked up, I saw Hayden looking at me. She came to me and put her little hands on my face and kissed me. I knew I would get through this exhaustion, someday. Despite what some may say, sleep IS needed.

I had been looking forward to this day for a month. It was the day that Kara, her parents, and I were going to speak to the staff at my dad’s office about Shaklee. I couldn’t wait to hear Suzanne share about the vitamins and the Shaklee difference. I couldn’t wait to watch the faces of people like me learning how they can live a healthier life.

I knew that God was working, that He was showing me that Nic and I didn’t have to live in fear of making ends meet. I knew that we had finally found that answer to that prayer that I prayed several times down on my knees before God.

But I couldn’t see past my tears long enough to remember these things. In a fog that I barely remember, I baked the 2 dozen cookies, showered, got the kids ready, the diaper bag ready, left the dirty dishes where they were, and left the house.

As I was driving to Aunt Steph’s house where my kids would be spending the next couple hours, I was overwhelmed by weakness. Not a spiritual weakness. A physical weakness. A weakness I wasn’t used to. A weakness I hated with all my heart. A weakness I had no control over. As thoughts were running through my head, I looked in my mirror at flashing lights. My heart sunk, for the second time that day. I was getting pulled over. I looked at my speed, which was 5 mph slower than the speed limit. I had no idea what I had done wrong. Mr. Officer came to my door. I rolled down the window with tears fighting to come to my eyes. I tried my hardest to keep them back after remembering what Nic had said about pulling people over and them crying, which ticked him off. Without saying a word, I got my registration and my license out. I looked at him waiting for him to tell me what I did wrong. He asked me if I was ok, which I really wanted to ask him in return is, “sir, do you really want to ask that question right now?” But I didn’t. I said I was fine. He then went on to say that I had crossed over the white line a couple of times. Hmmm…didn’t even know I had. He then looked in the back seat at Hayden. He asked if she was my daughter and I said yes. He said that he should give me a ticket for child restraint. As I turned to see what the heck he was talking about, I saw that Hayden had maneuvered her arm through her strap. Great. So, he had me get out of my car, take her out of her seat, put her in the front seat, redo the car seat, put her back in the seat, and then he tightened everything extra tight. I apologized again and reassured him this wouldn’t happen again. He let me off with a warning, thank Jesus. I got back in the car, he gave me my papers, and we both headed our separate ways. Seriously, did that just happen? Yes, yes it did. I called Kara, in tears because I thought I was going to be late for sure, and she told me that her and her mom think that Satan is just trying to get the best of us. I thought about that as I continued the drive to Steph’s and then to the office. I decided I WILL NOT let Satan do this to me. I WILL NOT let him make me feel this weak. I WILL NOT let him discourage me. I WILL NOT let him have his hold on me. I went back to praying, HARD. I pulled into my dad’s office with 15 minutes to spare. I could breathe again. I saw Kara and her parents in the parking lot. I saw something that I so desperately wanted on my face at that time,…all three of them smiling. I stepped out of the car and all the sudden felt sense of strength in my bones again. I felt a sincere smile come to my face and I was ready to see what God had in plan for us in the next couple of hours. We met my dad in the conference room and were greeted with the smell of pizza. My wonderful dad ordered lunch for the people who attended. The meeting went great and I absolutely loved seeing many of the ladies I have gotten to know over the last couple of years. It was a great time.

The next thing that happened was another answer to prayer. My dad told me he would pick up the kids and then him and mom would watch them while I took a nap. That right there was a piece of heaven. I couldn’t drive fast enough (but I drove just the right amount of speed so I wouldn’t have to see Mr. Officer again). I talked with my mom for a couple of minutes before I realized my words were slurring together. I drug my feet to my sister’s room where I saw a bed. A bed that I was going to get to lay down in. A bed where I might find peace and strength after a couple hours of sleep. I commanded my thoughts to be pushed away for this precious time. I closed my eyes and I was gone. Although I didn’t find that deep sleep that I wanted to, which I probably won’t find until my kids are out of the house, I felt refreshed. I felt like I could once again be the mom to my babies without feeling like a zombie. God knew what I needed. He always does.

I didn’t write this for you to feel sorry for me. I didn’t write this to depress you. I know that there are people going through huge life changing even right now that I couldn't even imagine. But this little thing, this no sleep thing, is big to me right now. I feel like I am not even myself. I feel life I am on the outside watching my life go on. I wrote this because this is my heart. This is my struggle right now. I know this won't last for long. I know it will get better. This is me. I wrote this because I know that God is stronger than me. I know that this is a just a glimpse of my life that, while I am weak, I will remember to always turn back to God and rely on His strength, not mine.

Thank you mom and dad. Thank you for watching my children so I could rest. Thank you.