Thursday, September 15, 2016

Fear

I don't think it would come to anyone's surprise that I don't handle fear very well. I don't like being by alone, especially at night. I'll admit it...I am 31 and I am afraid of the dark. It paralyzes me to the point I freeze and I stop breathing at points. I am constantly aware of things going on around me...people walking around me, noises, anything. It is something that I have always struggled with and constantly asking God to take away that fear. It is something I have to turn over to Him EVERY SINGLE DAY. I wish I could say I was strong. That I don't fear anything. That I am confident in what to do in any circumstance. And I wish I could say that I give all my fear to God and so I never struggle with it. I wish I was that strong. I look around me and admire women that seem so strong and so confident. But I am not one of those women.

People tell me all the time to stop being afraid, or ask why I am afraid. Maybe it's because Nic is on the streets at night and I am in the house alone with the kids. Maybe it's because of the stories I hear from Nic's job. Maybe it's because for awhile I was hearing of cops being killed on a DAILY basis So bad that I had to get rid of Facebook. Maybe it's what I have seen on TV or in movies. Maybe it's just all in my head. I hear things that may or may not really be there. I freeze when Shadow starts growling and barking outside my window. I may or may not think I see a light coming through the window. I'm not sure where it all comes from.  I am telling you, I am a little crazy.

My fear comes in the night. Nic has been switched to mids again so he is gone during the night. Go figure. But God says in His word OVER AND OVER to NOT be afraid. So why do I struggle with this SO badly?

I have been collecting verses over the last few years, because like I said, fear has always hard for me to control.  Here are some of the verses that have helped me and I try to cling to:

Hebrews 13:6 "So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?'"

Proverbs 29:25 "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."

Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation-whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life-of whom shall I be afraid?"

Psalm 91 "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." .... He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day."

Isaiah 35:3-4 "Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with fearful hearts, "Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you."

Psalm 56:3-4 "When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?"

Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Philipians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."

These are just a FEW of the verses I am constantly going back to.

So tonight, as the darkness has settled, I need to choose to meditate on these verses. I need to ask God to guard my mind during the night, that thoughts won't creep in. And tomorrow, I will do the same. I will conquer this stupid fear, won't I?

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Lately at the Minders...

Just in case I ever forget what it was like to have 3 children ages, 4, 6, and 7....

The other day Colt decided to go pee in the garage...because he wanted to see if he could aim in a container He missed.

Easton pooped outside in our backyard. He ran out of the house to do so. "Because he needed to go real bad."

Colt thought that it was acceptable to sing "cheers to beer" with a friend at lunch...at school.

Hayden and Colton started BSF for the school year, which means every Monday after school they go to mom's for the ENTIRE night, leaving us with ONE child. It was weird, but such a blessing to spend that time with our youngest.

Apparently you can get fined if you redo your roof without a permit...and for having a dumpster without a permit. Who knew?

Hayden cried today because no one would stop and buy stickers from her as she stood at the end of our driveway with a small sign that said "50 cents". However, Colt tried to help with sales by playing a guitar for the world to hear.

But there are also these times...

Hayden is finally at an age where help from her is appreciated. Her heart is SO big and she loves to serve. She makes all 3 lunches each night and loves to do it. It may take her an hour to do so, but she does it with joy.

Colton and Hayden were talking about BSF yesterday and Colt beamed with joy as he said, "mom, I just am so excited to go to BSF!" I pray his heart is always that ready to go learn about God.

Because we had only Easton Monday night, he had ALL our attention. And he loved it. We played basketball and played games. It was just us 3. Sometimes I forget how little he is. How he is still so young and how different he is from his sister and brother. I sometimes forget he is his own person. And man do I love that little guy.

This life is crazy. But I never want to forget these little things, even if that particular day I do wish I could forget:) God has entrusted Nic and I with these three amazing, crazy, spirited kids and I pray every day He will use Nic and I to mold them to be more like God. They they will love each other and love people and love God. I want them to strive to live for Him and to do what pleases him.  Not because Nic and I want that, but because they want that. I am learning, slowly, how to depend more and more on Him, and less on myself in this whole parenting thing. But man is it a SLOW process and one that I continually have to work on.

Monday, September 12, 2016

The Business of Life

It has been almost 2 years since my last blog post. I miss it. I miss the outlet it gave me. I miss recording everything that is going on in our lives and how our kids have been growing and thriving. I miss the honesty that it gave me...to be myself, knowing no one can say anything or interrupt that time.  I guess I let the business of my life to take over and one of the things to go was blogging. unfortunately.

Speaking of the business of my life, I need to slow down. I go, go, go and then fill the little bit of free time I have watching Netflix or checking my email or Instagram. God has been pressing on my heart to really figure out what's important and to let everything else go.

One of those things has been Facebook. Let me tell you a little bit of background on this huge part of my life. It controlled me. It took my attention away from my kids, my husband, my house chores, everything. I NEEDED to know who was doing what, who was liking whose posts, what was going on in the world (mostly everything around the whole blue lives/black lives matter movement). I was constantly reading articles or posts totally berating my husband's job and how day after day another cop was killed, or another killing at that. It was pouring fear into my soul to the point I couldn't sleep and I feared every day that my husband walked out the door in his uniform. I came to a point where I was about to break from it all. I know that sounds completely stupid...to let FACEBOOK run my life. SO...I deleted it. I deleted my entire account. And it was FREEING. I haven't regretted my decision. I am not saying Facebook is horrible and everyone should delete it...I just did what was best for ME.

It's hard to find that balance in life. You know, balancing being a mom, a wife, a teacher. I don't regret going back to work for one second. God has gifted me with the ability to teach other children, and that's what I will do until He tells me otherwise. But does it make it hard to balance everything else in life? Of course. My cooking skills (or lack of) has been a challenge. I get home from teaching 5 year olds all day and the last thing I want to do is start cooking. Or cleaning. Or laundry. I feel guilty when I do have to do those things because I also want to spend time with the kids. Sooooo, it's all a balancing act...one in which my balance is way off most days. Those are the days I lean on God's grace. I find myself begging him to show me mercy and show me how to do everything I need to do but also glorify him in doing so. When I just feel totally overwhelmed and totally lost, I know it's those times that I am not spending time in His word and I can feel it emotionally, spiritually, and physically I start feeling lost and totally wanting to have a breakdown.

I am hoping that I will have the time to keep blogging, which is something I love to do. Not because everyone reads my thoughts, but because this is me, and I can type until I want to:) I just need to make sure I am not filling up my free time (what free time I have) with meaningless things.