Goodbye, Grandpa

Just a warning...the following post is not a post to make you feel sorry for me. It is a post that is allowing me to process everything and therefore all over the place.

Today was a bittersweet day. It was a day that my grandpa left us on earth to join Jesus in heaven. It is a day that we knew was coming, it was no shock. It was a day that was inevitable. But it was also one of those days that you dread. It is a day that you don't think can really happen. And for me, it was a day of my insides being twisted and turned.

You see, I don't know how to handle death. I don't really think anyone does. I know my dad's dad died when I was younger, but I don't really remember it. I don't know how to process it all. I think the big problem is I don't like crying...I hate it. I think it is a waste of energy and a waste of time. I hate having red, puffy eyes and that ugly distorted face from a hard cry and a salty mouth. I usually only cry when I am venting and then it is over...no more tears. Suck it up. Or for those big cries I hid in a room...maybe a bathroom...let it all out, then move on. That's my problem. I keep thinking..ok...I know this is the part where I am supposed to cry. It isn't because I don't have any feelings, although my husband thinks I am a cold stone. He says that is it part of the healing process. But I still don't like it. It makes me get a large lump in my throat and then I can't breathe and then I start having panic attacks and then it just goes down from there. So what's the point. Now, although I hate it sometimes it just sneaks up on me the way my dad did when I was little and he would hide under the bed...I don't see it coming and it gets me every time. I think part of the problem is sometimes I am afraid that if I start crying, that I won't be able to stop...or control it. Maybe I feel that if I don't confront certain events that they don't really happen and I don't have to face it. I don't have to feel anything.

Anyways...all that to say...I don't know how to act, or how to feel, or how to even process it all. I thought that I was ready for this day considering the past couple of weeks. But then it ACTUALLY came and I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to have to feel that ache in my heart, that breaking, that pain. I don't want to have to think about grandma going home to a house that her and grandpa shared for years. I don't want to have to think about my mom losing her father. I don't want to have think about my kids not REALLY knowing their great grandfather. I don't want to have to think about the empty seat at Thanksgiving and all other holidays. I don't want to have to think about not having my grandpa anymore. I know I have to face it, but I just don't want to. This is the selfish side of me.

However, it was a sweet day because it was the day that my grandpa got to meet Jesus...he is no longer suffering. He is no longer weak. He is probably dancing with Jesus as we speak singing "Together", my grandparents' song that he sang to my grandma everyday for the week prior to this day. My mom told me that she had left for 40 minutes today to do something. She had been by his side during this whole time and for the 40 minutes that she was gone, grandpa died. My Aunt Jan said that right before he took his last breath that he held his hands up to the sky...this is after he hasn't been responsive for the past 2 days and hasn't moved. In his final days he kept saying that he could see Jesus but couldn't see him clearly. Today he saw him so clearly.

I miss him already. His sweet smile, his sarcasm, the way he got so excited when Colton came in the room, the way he loved us, his presence.

You see, my grandpa was a man of few words, but when he spoke, he had everyone rolling in laughter. He was a man of love. You could see that love through his eyes...the way he loved his family. He was stylish. Yes, my grandpa was the BEST dressed grandpa around. I remember one time a while back visiting in the hospital and he had a gown on with his dress shoes on. His hair was always in the perfect place. He was tall and skinny, but he was strong. He was a hard worker. He finished his whole basement by himself and built his own deck. He didn't ask much help on anything. He was sweet and never uttered a mean word to me. He was protective. He didn't become a Christian until later in life...when I was in middle school. But thank God that day happened because today he got to meet his Savior face to face. He was an amazing guy. I want to remember this ALWAYS. I want to remember the way he looked, the way he smelled, the way he smiled, the way he loved his family. Some people don't see their grandparents often...I saw mine A LOT...I am close to my grandparents. They weren't just family that I saw maybe 2 times a year.

I hold on to the hope and the promise that I WILL see again someday...in heaven.

So although I am messed up in an emotional way, maybe God will use this time to work through me...to mold me. He will use this to glorify Him. He will use my grandfather's life to bring glory to Him...cause that's what this life is about...right? To glorify God?

Sorry if you got lost or this doesn't make ANY sense to you...just deal with it...it is my way to sort things out:)

The viewing will be on Wednesday in Spencer, IN and then the funeral Thursday. Please be praying for peace for my grandma, mom, and the rest of the family. Please pray for strength. Please pray that God will break down these stupid walls so that I could be of comfort to my family...and face the facts.