Where's my flag?

It's been awhile, my friend, since I have visited you. I apologize. This past week was a little crazy with basketball, meetings, and ended with full out sickness on my part. Not something I planned for my Saturday and Sunday. Kris and Sarah were in town for homecoming, it was a big night for Nic, and I spent it in the bathroom or in our bed in PAIN. Let me tell you, I do not want to experience that for A LONG time....actually NEVER again. For the few seconds I could open my eyes at a time, I kept thinking, "what bad timing." Those three words kept coming to my mind. They were the only words I could manage to think about. Not only did I miss my sister crowning the new queen, I had to miss my husband's game. I am, however, very grateful for my father for coming bright and early (actually, it was still dark) to take the kids for me since I couldn't even move. I don't know what I would have done if it weren't for him, mom, and Kris.

As I sit here right now, I keep trying to wrap my brain around 5 other words. 5 words that I have been trying and trying to figure out for so long but just can't find the answer to. 5 words that have me on my knees every night and in tears at just the thought of them...."what is God teaching me?" They are some of the hardest words that I have come to face in this past year and the words that just keep me coming back to. Just when I think I have the answer, God says, "no, you don't." What is it that God wants from me right now? These questions aren't a "pitty me" party. They are real questions. They are questions that I feel have me going in circles.

All my life I have struggled with worry. Everyone who knows me knows that one thing about me. I think our natural tendency is always to worry over something or someone. I also know that God wants us to trust Him. Sometimes I find that the hardest thing in the world to do because I want so badly for things to me on MY timing, MY grounds, and in MY control. I want to know answers. I want those answers right away. And when I don't get them all those insecure questions start haunting me. The anxiety builds and then lets loose. I doubt, I question, I slowly pull my open hands away and start to close them.

The thing is, because I know this is my biggest weakness I have been trying, praying, and crying out to God. Every single time I start to doubt, question, or pull away, I remember His words, "present your requests to Me with thanksgiving, and My Peace, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your heart and mind."

I think the thing that frustrates me the most is yes, He is in control of everything. He does know everything that happens before it happens. But I don't. I know I need to trust God. I know I need to let Him lead me. But that's my next question...where? What is it that He wants from me? What more can I give Him. I have given Him everything. But why can I just not be content with knowing that I can't know the future or what it holds. I WANT to trust God. I WANT Him to lead me. I DO trust God and I AM letting Him lead me. I just don't know all the answers.

See...it has me going in circles.

After I wrote all the above, I went to a different blog, of a lady I don't know but whose blog I came across one day. I have found great encouragement from reading her blogs and in sometimes I feel like God has sent me to her blog for a purpose. And what do you know...these are the words I read:

Last night I was up a lot.
For all of us, if we are following Christ, there will be a time (or two or three or four...) where in our christian journey we will wrestle with God all night long. . . eventually dawn must come and a time where we lay down our will, our plans, our reputation, or whatever, and declare that it's His will we are after, and not our own.
Last night was one of those nights. I was born with an inborn determination to run my own life. Don't tell me you weren't - because we all were. Last night I finally came to a point, not sure when but it happened, where I felt like I could have just pulled up our white sheet and waved it in the cold out on our deck up to the heavens and said, "God, I surrender."

I surrender my way, plans, ideas, my time, reputation, being understood. I surrender my health. My comfort. My sleep. Everything Lord, I surrender.
I've said these words before, but I will say them my whole life. And at different times in my life, different things must be surrendered. We get in our minds surrender to mean weakness. I really hate the word. Honestly, surrender makes my nose wrinkle up. When in reality surrender is what I need most - to finally get strength.
It's one of those paradox things.
By surrender, I finally had peace with what God was/is doing - and He is doing something so very out of my comfort zone! It takes a lot to shock me, but I've been shocked. But quite frankly, now that I really think about it with His perspective, this is all going to be something so very great, wonderful. Something beautiful.
But today I have my bed sheet out as a literal reminder to me that I am surrendered to God in this that He has done. Not just fully surrendered, but rejoicing with a new found thrilling excitement.

I wake every morning to face battles against the "beast" of self - I need a stack of white flags to wave at God!
I do think our biggest battle we wage is against our own flesh and it's desire to control and be god. The beast that is self wants to fight against God being God all the way, but when we surrender to Him - that is when the battle is won for our souls.
We don't win all wars all at once. We win them one at a time. One day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.
Let Your will be done, Lord. In Your power AWAKEN me - for YOU and You alone, awake my soul and sing!
And I do rejoice! My white "flag" is waving.

This is what God wants me to do...Surrender.