Update on Grandpa

We are now on day 4 at the hospital. The days have been long...the nights longer. He seems to do really well in the morning but fading by the evening. He gets confused...starts saying stuff that makes absolutely no sense. He imagines things. Mom and dad have been taking turns staying with him at night since he keeps trying to get out.

Mom and dad met with Hospice today and have decided to move grandpa into their house for now. They will bring in a hospital bed and a twin bed for grandma. They are going to change his medicine to oral so he won't be hooked up to anything anymore.

The fact is, he just wants to go home. He wants to be surrounded by the ones he loves...who loves him. He doesn't want his final days to be in a hospital...who does?

Adam, Jamie, and Rori are flying in today...should actually be here soon. Today's my brother's birthday. I am thankful that my brother is going to be able to be here with us...with grandpa. I know these aren't the best circumstances for all of us to be together again, but I am VERY thankful for this...for all my family to be together.

We would appreciate your prayers. We know that his days are short and we are ok with that. He will be in heaven soon with Jesus. However, grandma is not ok with all of this. Please pray for her....for God to hold her and to give peace to her. Pray for my mom...this is her daddy after all. Pray for wisdom for my parents and the doctors.

This is short but I will update more later. Thank you.

Happy Birthday, Daddy!

Dad,

Today is YOUR BIRTHDAY!!! I am the luckiest girl because you are my father. Thank you for the father you have been to us kids. Thank you for your love and for showing us what it means to live by love. Thank you for being there when we need you. Thank you for your wisdom and guidance. Thank you for loving us despite the mistakes me make and the disappointments we may cause. Thank you for being there to rejoice with us when we succeed at something. Thank you for ALL you have done for us. These words don't come close to describing how appreciative I am of having you as a father...and how grateful I will be forever to God for allowing me to be your daughter. I love you, dad!!

Be Still

Believe it or not I am sitting here...in the quiet...no kids around. I am finding it hard to just "sit" still and to be in this weird "quiet". I feel like I should be running around the house, changing a diaper, soothing crying babies, making sure Hayden isn't strangling her brother, picking up toys, doing laundry, cleaning dishes, doing something...not just sitting here. In different circumstances I would probably soak in the quiet around me and just relax...but not now...not here sitting on the third floor of the hospital. I am finding it extremely hard to sit and "be still." It is hard to sit here and be still when my grandpa is laying in a hospital bed and will his body to heal...for his kidneys to work regularly again. But I can't. It is hard to sit here and be still when I just want to break down and curl into a ball. But I can't. It is hard to sit here and be still when I don't know what tomorrow holds...or even tonight.

I know that I do need to be still and know God is in control. I need to be still and rest in the people that whatever happens in the next few days that God is holding our family in his hands...that he is holding my grandpa. If He does call my grandpa home to him I can be at peace that grandpa will be in heaven with God...in no more pain...no more hospital...no more maybe's. I need to be still and know that He is God.

Happy 27th Birthday, Nic!

I wrote the following yesterday but didn't have time to actually post it!

Today we are celebrating my husband's 27th birthday. This is the 11th birthday that I have been able to celebrate with him. Every year I kind of sit back and just realize how incredible of a man he is and how lucky I am to be his wife. I am blessed beyond words. Not only do I get to call him my husband, I get to call him my best friend. I consider myself lucky that I am the one that gets to stand by his side year after year.

Nic,

I love you more than words could ever express. I hope that you feel blessed today on your birthday. Thank you for being a wonderful husband and an amazing father. I am so proud of you. Happy Birthday!!!

Jaclyn's Baby Shower

Today we celebrated a special friend who will shortly be holding her precious baby girl in her arms. Today we watched Jaclyn be totally blessed by family and friends. It melted my heart to watch her open her presents....A LOT of presents...knowing that she will soon....so soon...know the love of a mother for her child. Knowing that her life will forever be changed. She is going to be such a wonderful mommy and Allanah will be so loved. She already is. I can't wait to see Jaclyn holding her little girl and see the love flowing out of her heart for her precious daughter.

Today brought back many memories as I remember my shower day all so clearly. I remember the friends and family that gathered to celebrate with Nic and I, I remember feeling HUGE, but at the same time beautiful because I knew I was carrying my sweet Hayden, I remember the smells of the food...because of course every pregnant woman smells everything. I remember how blessed I felt as I opened each present and couldn't wait to go home and decorate her room, put her new clothes in her closet, her bedding on her crib, the onesies in her drawers, and the diapers and wipes in her changing table. I just couldn't wait. I remember putting together the swing, the play yard, and everything else together right away.

Yes, today was a special day. Only a few more weeks and Jaclyn's daughter will be here...in this world...in our lives. I am excited to watch Jaclyn turn into a mommy. Jac-I am praying for you these last couple of weeks...that God will grant you peace, comfort, and rest. I pray that he will take your anxiety of labor away. I pray that God will bless you and Rick greatly and that your labor will go smoothly and fast. I pray that God will keep Rick strong for you through these last hard weeks. I pray that as you become a mom, that God will guide you and Rick in every decision and that He will give you wisdom. I pray that as Allanah enters the world that God will protect your little family. I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET THIS SPECIAL BABY GIRL. I love you three.

Help wanted!

Houston...we have a problem. Miss Princess seems to forget that she is the one that we can count on to sleep 12 straight hours each night. I think she also forget that she is the one that doesn't cry to go to bed. Yes, she has forgotten these few things which results in a VERY tired momma and a bruised daddy.

For the past couple of weeks we have been fighting with Hayden to go to sleep, which in some nights has resulted in a 10:00 bedtime....her usual bedtime is 8-8:30. Not only is she fighting bedtime, but she is waking up at 1:30-2:00 in the morning SCREAMING. Usually we let her cry it out but she is not crying it out. It is the kind of scream you think she is being beaten. We thought maybe night terrors? or ear infection? Whatever it is, she does not go back to sleep...which then wakes up Bubby...which is a totally different story. So, she ends up in our bed...Yes I know...that is NOT a good thing and we are starting a bad habit...don't judge us, just help us! In the 2 years she has been on this earth, she has NEVER slept in our bed with us. She would never go to sleep and it was just not a good thing. BUT now she snuggles in right with me and drifts off to Hayden dream-world. I can tell this because she ends up sideways in bed, kicking poor Nic in the head, ribs, back, anything that is in the way of her feet. She is constantly moving around and even ends up with her feet by my face and her head somewhere down at the other end of the bed. I try to then take her back to her bed but somehow she senses that and starts the screaming again.

I guess I just don't understand what is going on? My pro sleeper has turned into a...not pro sleeper. I know that kids go through phases and bla bla bla...but really? Just when we were getting Colton to sleep through Miss Thing starts where he left off.

So...any suggestions of what we can try? We can't keep this up. She is turning into a BIG mess and just needs her sleep.

Colton is 9 months!

Dear Precious Colton,

You are now 9 months. I am still in shock when people ask me how old you are because I feel like just yesterday we were coming home from the hospital with you. This was a big month for you. You are now crawling EVERYWHERE!! Well...we call it the inch-worm. You get on your knees rock back and forth and then lunge forward. It is the funniest thing! You are pulling yourself up on whatever you can get your hands on...us, toys, the diaper chest. You can go from the family room to the playroom in the blink of an eye. I don't know how ready I am for this! You have also learned how to clap!! You get so excited and your face lights up and you start clapping. Just this week you have started waving!! Which to me was a surprise because Kara was waving at you and you just started waving right back. We just kind of all sat there and laughed! You are eating like a champ and love your cereal and fruit the most. You also LOVE table food, with your favorite being breadsticks...and yes...it is quite messy but you don't mind one bit. You are taking naps like a champ now...2, sometimes 3 a day. You are also doing quite better at night. You sleep from about 8pm-5am and then until 7:30-8am. What a good little boy! The only downside to this new sleeping pattern is you have stopped snuggling with your mommy. You still like to nurse at night and in the morning but don't really want to snuggle like you used to. This has been hard for me. You admire your sister very much. You love to watch her wherever she goes. Your eyes are always on her. I don't know if that is because you are scared she might be throwing something at you or sitting on you, or if you just think she is all that. You laugh at her all the time. You want to play with everything she plays with (even though she gets aggravated). I love this about you. I hope that you always love her. You also have a strong love for the bath. You LOVE LOVE LOVE playing in the bathtub. You just sit and splash, splash, splash the whole time. You don't care that the water is going everywhere or you can't see through the water covering your face. You did have your first ear infection this month but with the help of some antibiotics you were back to yourself in no time. You have had 4 teeth come in on top this month which has been very difficult for you! Bless your heart...all at the same time. You have 2 more wanting to break through right now.

You are an amazing, precious gift. Your daddy and mommy thank God EVERYDAY for giving us such a special baby boy. You have a contagious smile and the way your little eyebrow goes up has us giggling every time. Your smile is so beautiful...it lights up your whole face. Your giggle is the best sound in the world. Every day with you is such a blessing. You are content and love to be around people. You love to watch people. I have a feeling that you are going to be a behind-the-scenes kinda guy when you grow up. Now that I can leave you for longer amounts of time since you finally started taking a bottle, you have been able to bond with Papi and Grammie and your other Grandma more. You are definitely Papi's little boy. However, your Grammie has started singing her famous "Little Bunny Foo Foo" song which you have fallen in love with. Every time the song gets to the part about bopping the little mice you get the biggest smile on your face. You still love mommy to sing "Jesus Loves Me" every night and when you just don't feel good. You take in everything around you and I can tell you are going to be smart little boy.

At your 9 month appointment, you weighed in at a whopping 16 pounds 4 ounces (1%ile) and are 27 3/4 inches long (34%ile). Needless to say, you are a little fella. The doctor is a little nervous about your weight so you had to have blood drawn (which was the worst thing for me to watch) to check lead and iron. But...you are healthy, happy, and just small.

I love you, Colton. You are precious, amazing, handsome, sweet, fun, and a wonderful blessing. We continue to pray that God will use you in a special way. We are thankful that God has allowed us to have you as our son.

Love you with all my heart,

Mommy

Where's my flag?

It's been awhile, my friend, since I have visited you. I apologize. This past week was a little crazy with basketball, meetings, and ended with full out sickness on my part. Not something I planned for my Saturday and Sunday. Kris and Sarah were in town for homecoming, it was a big night for Nic, and I spent it in the bathroom or in our bed in PAIN. Let me tell you, I do not want to experience that for A LONG time....actually NEVER again. For the few seconds I could open my eyes at a time, I kept thinking, "what bad timing." Those three words kept coming to my mind. They were the only words I could manage to think about. Not only did I miss my sister crowning the new queen, I had to miss my husband's game. I am, however, very grateful for my father for coming bright and early (actually, it was still dark) to take the kids for me since I couldn't even move. I don't know what I would have done if it weren't for him, mom, and Kris.

As I sit here right now, I keep trying to wrap my brain around 5 other words. 5 words that I have been trying and trying to figure out for so long but just can't find the answer to. 5 words that have me on my knees every night and in tears at just the thought of them...."what is God teaching me?" They are some of the hardest words that I have come to face in this past year and the words that just keep me coming back to. Just when I think I have the answer, God says, "no, you don't." What is it that God wants from me right now? These questions aren't a "pitty me" party. They are real questions. They are questions that I feel have me going in circles.

All my life I have struggled with worry. Everyone who knows me knows that one thing about me. I think our natural tendency is always to worry over something or someone. I also know that God wants us to trust Him. Sometimes I find that the hardest thing in the world to do because I want so badly for things to me on MY timing, MY grounds, and in MY control. I want to know answers. I want those answers right away. And when I don't get them all those insecure questions start haunting me. The anxiety builds and then lets loose. I doubt, I question, I slowly pull my open hands away and start to close them.

The thing is, because I know this is my biggest weakness I have been trying, praying, and crying out to God. Every single time I start to doubt, question, or pull away, I remember His words, "present your requests to Me with thanksgiving, and My Peace, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your heart and mind."

I think the thing that frustrates me the most is yes, He is in control of everything. He does know everything that happens before it happens. But I don't. I know I need to trust God. I know I need to let Him lead me. But that's my next question...where? What is it that He wants from me? What more can I give Him. I have given Him everything. But why can I just not be content with knowing that I can't know the future or what it holds. I WANT to trust God. I WANT Him to lead me. I DO trust God and I AM letting Him lead me. I just don't know all the answers.

See...it has me going in circles.

After I wrote all the above, I went to a different blog, of a lady I don't know but whose blog I came across one day. I have found great encouragement from reading her blogs and in sometimes I feel like God has sent me to her blog for a purpose. And what do you know...these are the words I read:

Last night I was up a lot.
For all of us, if we are following Christ, there will be a time (or two or three or four...) where in our christian journey we will wrestle with God all night long. . . eventually dawn must come and a time where we lay down our will, our plans, our reputation, or whatever, and declare that it's His will we are after, and not our own.
Last night was one of those nights. I was born with an inborn determination to run my own life. Don't tell me you weren't - because we all were. Last night I finally came to a point, not sure when but it happened, where I felt like I could have just pulled up our white sheet and waved it in the cold out on our deck up to the heavens and said, "God, I surrender."

I surrender my way, plans, ideas, my time, reputation, being understood. I surrender my health. My comfort. My sleep. Everything Lord, I surrender.
I've said these words before, but I will say them my whole life. And at different times in my life, different things must be surrendered. We get in our minds surrender to mean weakness. I really hate the word. Honestly, surrender makes my nose wrinkle up. When in reality surrender is what I need most - to finally get strength.
It's one of those paradox things.
By surrender, I finally had peace with what God was/is doing - and He is doing something so very out of my comfort zone! It takes a lot to shock me, but I've been shocked. But quite frankly, now that I really think about it with His perspective, this is all going to be something so very great, wonderful. Something beautiful.
But today I have my bed sheet out as a literal reminder to me that I am surrendered to God in this that He has done. Not just fully surrendered, but rejoicing with a new found thrilling excitement.

I wake every morning to face battles against the "beast" of self - I need a stack of white flags to wave at God!
I do think our biggest battle we wage is against our own flesh and it's desire to control and be god. The beast that is self wants to fight against God being God all the way, but when we surrender to Him - that is when the battle is won for our souls.
We don't win all wars all at once. We win them one at a time. One day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.
Let Your will be done, Lord. In Your power AWAKEN me - for YOU and You alone, awake my soul and sing!
And I do rejoice! My white "flag" is waving.

This is what God wants me to do...Surrender.

Special Moments

Today has been a sweet, sweet day so far. Woke up and snuggled, that's right, snuggled with both of my babies in the big bed. Hayden was talking in her language (probably telling Bubby all that she was planning to do today), Colton was grinning ear to ear in admiration for his sister, and I was thanking God for this precious moment. No extra kids today meant no alarm clock...well...besides the "Mom? Mommy?" echoing through the hallway letting me know that it was, in fact, time to start the day.

After the cuddle fest, we moved to the kitchen where I attempted to feed Bubby his cereal and fruit...which was a task in itself as most of it ended on my pants, splattered on the kitchen counter, smothered over his hands due to playing in the splattered counter, and then all over my face as he decided it was time to sneeze...with his mouth full. While Bubby enjoyed his lovely breakfast, Hayden enjoyed her cereal bar while sharing it with Iris. See, she is learning how to share! One bite for her, one for Iris, one lick for her, one for Iris. Yum. We then thought it would be fun to get in the drawer with all the straws and see what kind of design we could make with them on the kitchen floor...let me rephrase that...HAYDEN thought it would be fun! But, she loved it...and once again...so did the dog.

I decided the kids would enjoy a bath considering one was covered in cereal and bananas. I love watching the kids in the bath because they have so much fun...splashing water EVERYwhere, playing with toys, filling the bowl with water and dumping it on each other. Today was kind of different though...I think my little boy found his boy part...I was a little afraid, I admit, that he was going to hurt himself trying to take it off. By the time everyone was clean, dry, and had somewhat of an outfit on, Bubby decided he would take a nap. He slept for 3 hours...I was SHOCKED. I kept cracking open the door to make sure he was ok. As I looked into the crib, I couldn't help but smile and thank God for my sweet little boy. His sweet little body curled up and he lips curling into a smile (probably dreaming about nursing!).

While he slept, I folded laundry (with the help of my daughter), put away laundry (which I despise), cleaned up the straws only to see them back on the floor after putting the dishes away, cleaned the straws up again, fished a straw out of Iris' mouth, fished 3 straws out of the slot in the oven, and fished another straw out of the vent, ran around the house 3 times chasing Hayden just to hear her giggle, pick her up after totally wiping out rounding a corner, fed her lunch, fished out the HUGE piece of pizza jammed into her mouth, laughed with her, watched her play at her easel with the magnetic letters, watched her wonder through the house looking for things to get into, watched her rub her precious eyes, laid her in her bed, prayed with her, and off she drifted to sleep. I know I saw this often, but I just can't describe the love I have for these two babies. I know every mom out there feels the same. It is just a love so deep that you can't describe. It reminds me of Jesus' love for His children.

Shortly after Hayden fell asleep, Bubby woke up with a HUGE smile on his face. So...I took that time to just snuggle with him and took it all in. His giggle, the way his eyes light up when I talk to him, the way his feet and hands are non-stop, the way he brings his hands together when he gets excited...what a special little boy.

I know this first part of my day might not sound so special to some people, some people might not care less what I find so special...well then...don't read my blog!

Nic is gone all night at a game, so it's just me and the kiddos...maybe a nice relaxing night with a movie??? Umm...yeah right!!

Starting of the year with a BANG..of sickness

Well we survived our first week of January. It amazes me how slow the week can go while we are going through it and then how fast it seems it went by the end of the week. Weird. We started off 2011 with a bang. A big bang of sickness. Wonderful. My little boy had his first ear infection and was just miserable...because of all the drainage he had an awful cough and was just plain miserable. I felt so incredibly bad for him I just wanted to cough for him when he couldn't get it out. I guess it doesn't help when he has 4 teeth coming in all at the same time. My lovely husband so graciously gave me his sickness as well. You know, the typical sore throat that feels like you are swallowing razor blades, a headache that feels like someone is hammering you on the head, ear hurting like someone jammed a Q-tip into it, a nose running like the flowing river and the next moment you blow and blow and just nothing comes out of that darn nose...you know...the usual. You know what stinks about being the mother though? You don't get to just crawl back in bed and sleep it off. You don't get to take a break from real life to get all caught up. Life has to keep on going. The kids still need to be taken care of. The house still needs to be picked up (kind of). The kids still need to eat. Hmm. I asked Nic the other day if he remembered when we were young and when we got sick our moms would take care of us, making sure we were getting liquids into us, making sure we had our meds, making sure we were getting our rest. I kept singing that song, "I don't wanna grow up" in my head. Those were the days!!

Thankfully I have a wonderful mother who came to help me with the kids the night Nic had a game and I had a bad reaction to the antibiotics. What a life savor! Nic also showed what an amazing husband he is when he took the kids out for a little bit last night so I could get some what of rest. He gave me strict instructions that I was not allowed to do any housework, which was killing me because I thought of a million things I could do when he left...but I DID sneak in a load of laundry! Shh..don't tell him! Anyways, I was VERY thankful!

On top of all this sickness, Hayden has not been sleeping well at night at all. She is having a hard time falling asleep and wants to cuddle with Nic and I which is not like her AT ALL! She has also been waking up around 5 screaming at the top of her lungs. She has always been my award winning sleeper...all I can think of is maybe an ear infection? The only time in her life that she doesn't sleep at night is when she has ear infections. However, the good thing about this is she is in the mood to cuddle...she is laying on my lap as we speak!! Nic got a call out for SWAT so her and I are just cuddling:) And watching I Love Lucy!!

So...for the positive side of this week...Nic and I have been getting really excited about this coming weekend and have been calling people like crazy for our 2011 Shaklee kickoff. We can't wait to see how it turns out!! We just keep thanking God for providing for us and showing us a way that brings in income while I still get to stay home with my babies. Another positive note-Nic's JV won again tonight...by almost 60 points! I am one proud coach's wife! oh, and just one more positive note-even though Bubby has not been feeling well, he has been sleeping VERY well during the night, only waking up once around 5 and then falls back asleep until 7:30. Go figure, one child starts sleeping and the other doesn't!

So if you are reading this, please say a little prayer that our family will just get healthy soon. I know this is going around like CRAZY and I just think personally that it needs to end...ha. Also, if you are reading this, please say another little prayer for the Carpenter family. A year ago today their little boy met Jesus. As you can imagine (well, a lot of us CAN'T imagine) this is an extremely difficult time for them. Pray that God will comfort them and just wrap His loving arms around them and their 2 other children.

I Trust You, Jesus

We are now into the fourth day of the year 2011…it’s funny to read statuses on Facebook about different resolutions that people have…lose weight, clean more, cook more, be a better person, be more positive…and how long do these last? A couple months, days, maybe even one day? I am not saying these things are bad or you shouldn’t make resolutions or even goals…as a matter of fact I sat down on Monday and started making some of my own goals for this coming year. I think about what I want to accomplish, what I want to challenge myself to. When I sit here on December 31, 2011, what do I want to look back on from the year and smile at? Is there any worth to making the so called resolutions?

As I continued with my so-called goal list, I got excited to dream about what my year can look like. Do I know for sure what my year holds? No, I certainly don’t. I don’t know what trials my family will go through. I don’t know the joyous occasions that we will come across. I do know this…through everything, I want to look back on this year and KNOW that I trusted God in every situation, every decision. I want to KNOW that I gave God reign of everything that my family comes across. I want to KNOW that through every decision, Nic and I put God in the center and sought God’s wisdom. I want to KNOW that could honestly look back over the year and see God’s faithfulness through our lives.

One of my goals for the year is to read a passage of scripture a day. This past year I am not particularly proud of the time I spent with my heavenly father. Actually…I am kind of embarrassed. My mom gave each of us girls a little book called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. She also has a copy of the book. She challenged each of us to read a section a day. It is something that we could do together without actually being together. I want to make it a goal to hold to that promise to my mom and spend that special time reading about God’s promises. Yes, I talk to God daily, but I want to spend time IN His word as well.

When I opened the little book to today’s passage, I was caught off guard what I read in the first sentence. It said, “I want you to learn a new habit. Try saying, ‘I trust You, Jesus’ in response to whatever happens to you.” I had to take a few minutes to let that statement sink in. Of course it is an easy sentence to read…ok, I need to trust Jesus, blah, blah, blah. But stop and think for a sec…do I REALLY trust Jesus…or do I just say I trust Jesus. In every decision I make, in every circumstance, do I trust Him? I can honestly say I want to trust Him, but I can honestly say most times I have a little doubt hidden somewhere. Sometimes I think, “is God really here with me? Does he actually care about what I do in this situation??” When this happens I start to doubt that he actually cares, that he is really here with me…sometimes to the point that I doubt that God even hears me.

So…after taking a minutes to ponder, I continued to read…”This simple practice will help you see Me in every situation, acknowledging My sovereign control over the universe.” Umm…HELLO…How can you not have trust in someone who can control the WHOLE universe? The last sentence is what I am holding onto right now…”Your continual assertion of trusting Me will strengthen our relationship and keep you close to Me.” That’s what I want…that’s what I want to read at the end of the year 2011 and say, that’s what I did…I trusted HIM and grew closer to Him. I want to be able to say, “I trusted God with…my children, my husband, the growth of our business, our health, our finances, our everyday decisions.” I DON’T want to look back on this year and say, “well, that was a nice thought that lasted about a week.” So, the reason I am pouring out my heart is because I want to be held accountable for this “goal”.

I have NO clue what this year holds…or what our family will face, but I do know I will trust God. Do I know that this decision will be hard? Yes, I do. Most times I want to handle situations myself…I worry…I second guess…I doubt…but now I want to say…I trust.

“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” Psalm 139:7-10