Last night I was browsing through my journal (the one where I wrote in like once a year!) and I came across something I wrote January 8, 2008. I want to share it with you because it was a time in my life that I was reminded of God’s faithfulness and His grace. It was a time, that although I thought I would never heal, God showed his mercy and love and started to heal the wound in my heart slowly. It was a time that I can finally talk about without my heart breaking into pieces and a time that made me the strongest I ever was. I wanted to share it to show how God has been faithful in my life. (It actually is just a huge reminder for me!)
Three short weeks ago, on November 5, 2007, I found out I was pregnant. It was 4:30 in morning and I couldn’t sleep knowing there was a possibility of our lives completely changing as a couple, as a family. When I saw the 2 blue lines that meant positive, I remember shaking. I was terrified me, but at the same time I was completely thrilled. I was going to be a mommy. I immediately woke up Nic and told him. We were on cloud 9. We were going to be parents. We were going to be in charge of another human being.
Later that week, we went into my dad’s office to confirm that indeed I was pregnant. Because it was so early, we could only see the sac. I carried that ultrasound EVERYWHERE. I was so excited for what was to come. I was already a bragging mommy. We went straight to my grandparent’s house to tell them the news and I thought my grandma was going to have a heart attack. Her and grandpa rejoiced with us. I will never forget that time standing right inside their door. I couldn’t even wait until we sat down, my big mouth opened as soon as she opened the door.
Through the next couple of weeks, I felt so sick. I came into school everyday so nauseous I couldn’t stand. I spent every morning crouching down behind my desk before our meetings with the trash can. I wasn’t able to use the dry-erase markers because of the smell. My poor kids had to deal with me running out of the room several times a day as they were left to read by themselves. No medicine helped. Along with being nauseated, I was also exhausted. It was an exhaustion I never knew existed. I came home from school ever day to the couch and didn’t get off the couch until bed. I felt like I could sleep all day, every day.
During these weeks, we also found out that my cousins, Toni and Keri, were also pregnant along with Rischelle Clem. We were all do within weeks of eachother. The excitement just kept building.
Around my seventh week we went in again to my dad’s office and had another ultrasound. This time we got to hear the heartbeat. It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. Because we heard the heartbeat we thought it was ok to start telling other people and the teachers. At the end of my 10th week, right before Christmas break, I told my students because they kept asking why I was so sick all the time. I figured it was safe to tell them.
It was then Christmas break. Along with Christmas break was my birthday. We were at Tippecanoe for my birthday dinner and I kept asking my dad if we could go in and get another ultrasound because we were right by the hospital. Unfortunately (or fortunately) he didn’t have his keys to the office. This was a Friday.
On Sunday, December 23rd, I again asked dad if we could go in. Something didn’t feel right. We had celebrated Christmas with Nic’s dad, sister and grandparents. He finally gave in and told us to meet us there.
What happened next was something that I never imagined happening to me. It was a nightmare that I never dreamed of coming true. My dad began the ultrasound as my heartbeat started to race and my palms got all clammy. I studied my dad’s face and saw no expression. Usually he would joke around. Not this time. I watched him as he shifted his weight back and forth from foot to foot. Nothing. I then looked on the screen where I saw a tiny spot laying motionless. It was then my dad looked at me with tears in his eyes, said, “I am so sorry,” and left the room. I remember my eyes burning in a way they never have before and my face turning red. Nic came to my side, held my hand and we cried together. Actually, we wept. I kept thinking that this was just a bad dream and soon I would wake up and go on with my life again. It wasn’t a dream. I kept thinking to myself, “why?” Why was this happening to me? What went wrong? That was then the guilt sat in…along with the questions. Did I eat something wrong? Did I drink too much caffeine? Did Athena hurt the baby when she jumped up on my stomach? Did I tell people to soon? Was it because of my birth control? What was is? Why did this happen? How could I have heard the heartbeat and then the baby be dead just a couple weeks later? I then felt like I let Nic down. I couldn’t carry his baby. It was my fault. I was angry. But I didn’t know at who. I was angry at myself, my body. I wanted to be angry at God, but something inside me wouldn’t let me.
After what seemed like a lifetime of questions, we left the office. Not one word was said on the way home. Nothing. Nothing but tears. We did, however, stop by my grandparents and wept with them before returning to our house. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I didn’t want any encouraging words. I didn’t want to hear the words, “I am praying for you,” even though that’s what I needed the most. It was just me and Nic. We spent most of the night in the baby’s room holding each other and crying.
My dad scheduled the DNC for December 26th, the day after Christmas. I was dreading Christmas day. I was dreading being around family. It was supposed to be such a wonderful, happy holiday full of celebrations. I didn’t want to celebrate anything. But by God’s amazing grace, it was actually one of the most amazing holidays ever. We were surrounded by family and friends. Although I often found myself feeling my stomach where my baby was, where it would remain for only one more day.
On Christmas night, I started cramping…bad. My dad immediately got me in so Dr. Lyons could do a DNC. I remember crying with Nic right before the surgery. In just a little while, my stomach would be empty. The baby that was supposed to be growing inside of me would no longer be there.
As I look back on these events, I know I saw God’s faithfulness. Even though this was something that was awful and something I never wanted to experience. I did though. It was something that happened to me. But like I said, God’s faithfulness was marked throughout this entire life-changing experience. I knew I had to hold onto something that some people don’t have…which is faith. Here are some ways I saw His faithfulness:
My next appointment that was scheduled wasn’t until January 7, the day I was going back to school.
Because of what happened, Nic had all the way through Christmas off, when he was originally supposed to work.
Kristen was here.
Tara and Steve were here from Florida.
Adam and Jamie were here…they would have already moved by my next appointment.
I had the next 2 weeks off of school…God gave us this time to heal.
God allowed my DNC to bring us some laughs from the way that I came out of the surgery.
Dad didn’t have his keys with him on my birthday.
Nic and I grew stronger as a couple. He was my rock.
Although the pain in my heart probably will never go away for my first baby, I know the days will get easier. This happened for a reason…I just don’t know why yet. God has a plan…I have to trust that.
Looking back on this, I know his reason. Hayden and Colton. I know now that my children are given to me by God. He can take them when he pleases. They are His children. I know that I wasn’t even that far into my pregnancy, but it was still a pain that I had never experienced before. I know I didn’t know the gender yet, or even seen the baby’s face…but it was still my baby. And I know people go through a lot harder times than this. But my point of sharing this was to show how God has been faithful in my life. It is to show that even though we don’t know God’s plan and we don’t know why things happen in this lifetime, we need to hold onto our faith. Without it, without Him, we are nothing.
“From the fullness of His grace we have all received one blessing after another.” John 1:16
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