Fear

I don't think it would come to anyone's surprise that I don't handle fear very well. I don't like being by alone, especially at night. I'll admit it...I am 31 and I am afraid of the dark. It paralyzes me to the point I freeze and I stop breathing at points. I am constantly aware of things going on around me...people walking around me, noises, anything. It is something that I have always struggled with and constantly asking God to take away that fear. It is something I have to turn over to Him EVERY SINGLE DAY. I wish I could say I was strong. That I don't fear anything. That I am confident in what to do in any circumstance. And I wish I could say that I give all my fear to God and so I never struggle with it. I wish I was that strong. I look around me and admire women that seem so strong and so confident. But I am not one of those women.

People tell me all the time to stop being afraid, or ask why I am afraid. Maybe it's because Nic is on the streets at night and I am in the house alone with the kids. Maybe it's because of the stories I hear from Nic's job. Maybe it's because for awhile I was hearing of cops being killed on a DAILY basis So bad that I had to get rid of Facebook. Maybe it's what I have seen on TV or in movies. Maybe it's just all in my head. I hear things that may or may not really be there. I freeze when Shadow starts growling and barking outside my window. I may or may not think I see a light coming through the window. I'm not sure where it all comes from.  I am telling you, I am a little crazy.

My fear comes in the night. Nic has been switched to mids again so he is gone during the night. Go figure. But God says in His word OVER AND OVER to NOT be afraid. So why do I struggle with this SO badly?

I have been collecting verses over the last few years, because like I said, fear has always hard for me to control.  Here are some of the verses that have helped me and I try to cling to:

Hebrews 13:6 "So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?'"

Proverbs 29:25 "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."

Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation-whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life-of whom shall I be afraid?"

Psalm 91 "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." .... He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day."

Isaiah 35:3-4 "Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with fearful hearts, "Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you."

Psalm 56:3-4 "When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?"

Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Philipians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."

These are just a FEW of the verses I am constantly going back to.

So tonight, as the darkness has settled, I need to choose to meditate on these verses. I need to ask God to guard my mind during the night, that thoughts won't creep in. And tomorrow, I will do the same. I will conquer this stupid fear, won't I?

Lately at the Minders...

Just in case I ever forget what it was like to have 3 children ages, 4, 6, and 7....

The other day Colt decided to go pee in the garage...because he wanted to see if he could aim in a container He missed.

Easton pooped outside in our backyard. He ran out of the house to do so. "Because he needed to go real bad."

Colt thought that it was acceptable to sing "cheers to beer" with a friend at lunch...at school.

Hayden and Colton started BSF for the school year, which means every Monday after school they go to mom's for the ENTIRE night, leaving us with ONE child. It was weird, but such a blessing to spend that time with our youngest.

Apparently you can get fined if you redo your roof without a permit...and for having a dumpster without a permit. Who knew?

Hayden cried today because no one would stop and buy stickers from her as she stood at the end of our driveway with a small sign that said "50 cents". However, Colt tried to help with sales by playing a guitar for the world to hear.

But there are also these times...

Hayden is finally at an age where help from her is appreciated. Her heart is SO big and she loves to serve. She makes all 3 lunches each night and loves to do it. It may take her an hour to do so, but she does it with joy.

Colton and Hayden were talking about BSF yesterday and Colt beamed with joy as he said, "mom, I just am so excited to go to BSF!" I pray his heart is always that ready to go learn about God.

Because we had only Easton Monday night, he had ALL our attention. And he loved it. We played basketball and played games. It was just us 3. Sometimes I forget how little he is. How he is still so young and how different he is from his sister and brother. I sometimes forget he is his own person. And man do I love that little guy.

This life is crazy. But I never want to forget these little things, even if that particular day I do wish I could forget:) God has entrusted Nic and I with these three amazing, crazy, spirited kids and I pray every day He will use Nic and I to mold them to be more like God. They they will love each other and love people and love God. I want them to strive to live for Him and to do what pleases him.  Not because Nic and I want that, but because they want that. I am learning, slowly, how to depend more and more on Him, and less on myself in this whole parenting thing. But man is it a SLOW process and one that I continually have to work on.

The Business of Life

It has been almost 2 years since my last blog post. I miss it. I miss the outlet it gave me. I miss recording everything that is going on in our lives and how our kids have been growing and thriving. I miss the honesty that it gave me...to be myself, knowing no one can say anything or interrupt that time.  I guess I let the business of my life to take over and one of the things to go was blogging. unfortunately.

Speaking of the business of my life, I need to slow down. I go, go, go and then fill the little bit of free time I have watching Netflix or checking my email or Instagram. God has been pressing on my heart to really figure out what's important and to let everything else go.

One of those things has been Facebook. Let me tell you a little bit of background on this huge part of my life. It controlled me. It took my attention away from my kids, my husband, my house chores, everything. I NEEDED to know who was doing what, who was liking whose posts, what was going on in the world (mostly everything around the whole blue lives/black lives matter movement). I was constantly reading articles or posts totally berating my husband's job and how day after day another cop was killed, or another killing at that. It was pouring fear into my soul to the point I couldn't sleep and I feared every day that my husband walked out the door in his uniform. I came to a point where I was about to break from it all. I know that sounds completely stupid...to let FACEBOOK run my life. SO...I deleted it. I deleted my entire account. And it was FREEING. I haven't regretted my decision. I am not saying Facebook is horrible and everyone should delete it...I just did what was best for ME.

It's hard to find that balance in life. You know, balancing being a mom, a wife, a teacher. I don't regret going back to work for one second. God has gifted me with the ability to teach other children, and that's what I will do until He tells me otherwise. But does it make it hard to balance everything else in life? Of course. My cooking skills (or lack of) has been a challenge. I get home from teaching 5 year olds all day and the last thing I want to do is start cooking. Or cleaning. Or laundry. I feel guilty when I do have to do those things because I also want to spend time with the kids. Sooooo, it's all a balancing act...one in which my balance is way off most days. Those are the days I lean on God's grace. I find myself begging him to show me mercy and show me how to do everything I need to do but also glorify him in doing so. When I just feel totally overwhelmed and totally lost, I know it's those times that I am not spending time in His word and I can feel it emotionally, spiritually, and physically I start feeling lost and totally wanting to have a breakdown.

I am hoping that I will have the time to keep blogging, which is something I love to do. Not because everyone reads my thoughts, but because this is me, and I can type until I want to:) I just need to make sure I am not filling up my free time (what free time I have) with meaningless things.

Sometimes...

Motherhood.

It's a beautiful thing.

It's a crazy thing.

It's a messy thing.

It's sometimes a humble thing.

It's sometimes a funny thing.

It's sometimes a down right give me a hole to hide in thing.

But it's something that I deeply, fiercely love...this motherhood thing.

You see it all over Facebook, blogs, twitter, instagram...the struggles, the horrors, the hilarious moments.

But there comes a time when sometimes people just want and need to see the real-ness of motherhood.

So here it is...

Sometimes...

You might be on the phone to the doctor's office and they ask for the child's birthday that you are calling about...and you MIGHT tell the nurse that it is 10/12/14...when in fact the real birth date is 4/21/10...you MIGHT have mixed up  the other two children's birthdays with the current year. And this is why I wear a necklace of all three children's names WITH their birth dates.

You might have a son break out singing, "bottoms up, bottoms up" or "shake it for me" on the way to school....his Christian school.

You might see a tootsie roll on the floor and pick it up to smell it...but it's not a tootsie roll. I am sure you can figure that one out.

You might start the dryer 4 times...on the same load because you don't feel like folding clothes.

You might send your child to the babysitter in his brother's clothes...without a diaper on.

You might each of your children an i-Pad to "learn" from but really you just want 10 minutes of no running in circles and screaming at each other.

You might put your son in his sisters clean underwear when he wakes up during the night and you can't find anymore of his clean underwear.

You might bribe your children with a surprise if they will just smile ONE time all at the same time during family pictures.

You might have to clean pee off the wall constantly.

You might have a child try pooping outside in the rocks because he is trying to teach the dog how to poop outside.

You might have your child just get in bed with you when he or she wakes up at 2 in the morning and you simply just don't want to walk down the hallway to put the child back in bed.

You might have to confiscate a toy knife from your son's backpack when you are dropping him off at school.

You might be very enthralled with Paw Patrols only to realize that your children are in the other room...and it is only you and the TV.

You might also find yourself singing Jesus Loves Me and My God is So Big...to yourself...in the shower.

You might hide in the bathroom to eat a candy bar...because you don't feel like sharing.

You might call your son Sam...but his name isn't Sam...because that's the dog's name....over and over.

You might teach your child verses only to have her repeat those verses back to you at inopportune times...like when you are YELLING at the stupid dog and she says, "mom, be kind to one another. Jesus says so." And all I want to say is, "well, the dog isn't being nice to me."

You might have to lock your children out of your room just to have 10 minutes alone with your husband.

You might have one child going to the bathroom (#2), another child opening and closing the shower curtain, and the third one sitting on the bathroom floor...while you are in the shower.

Are you getting my drift???

The list goes on...but I can tell you one thing. Motherhood might be all these things...but it is the BEST job in the world. Because even though all these things might happen, I wouldn't regret one single moment with my children. And I pray that I look back when my children are grown and laugh at this crazy, beautiful, messy life.

Teacher Business

I debated on whether I was going to post this or not...but when I started this blog, I wanted it to be something that I can look back on and see the journey that I have gone on and the things that I have learned. And hopefully...maybe...an encouragement to someone else.

I have found that sometimes in the teaching profession, a certain kind of thinking takes over at times.

It has the power of turning "teaching" into simply telling. Telling something that you want your students to know in order to pass a test. It goes from one item to the next...you start "teaching" to the test....because we all know that those test scores are what tells us what kind of teacher we are (so we think).

So as a teacher, we work hard. We work hard at our lesson plans. We work hard making sure we have everything we need to equip our students to succeed. We work hard at making sure we have every assessment fulfilled. We work hard at putting numbers on spreadsheets so that eventually they make some sort of sense. We work hard making sure our students are learning what they need to be learning. We push our students. And sometimes almost to the point of breakdown. We spend countless hours before school, after school and on the weekends preparing for the our students. We know it isn't a 9-5 job. It isn't something you just show up for, work, and go home. There is paperwork to be done, papers to be graded, construction paper to be cut out (ok...so maybe this is just for kindergarten:)), papers to be copied, cut, and stapled. There are SLO papers to be filled out...determining our fate (ok so that is a little dramatic).

That's when the focus changes. Sometimes we forget. We forget that yes, those scores are important...those assessments are needed in some crazy way or another. We forget that those 22 students that walk into our classroom each morning are only ours for a little while. We only have a certain amount of days to make a difference with those precious people we call our students. We forget that teaching doesn't have to be just teaching to the tests.

And that is what happened to me. I lost focus. I was so focused on getting all the assessments done that I wasn't listening. I wasn't listening to what my students needed from me. It's easy to do. I stuck to my lesson plans...had to get through my lesson plans and get those items "crossed off" my list.

But the other day, something changed. Although I still had my lesson plans out, I wasn't glued to them. I decided I didn't want to be that teacher anymore. So I stopped, and I listened. I listened to Jane tell me all about how she was in pain because of a hangnail and when I clipped it she hugged me and said "thank you." I listened to Danny (these aren't my students' real names) when he just simply couldn't form his '8'. Instead of saying "well, just try it," I got down and guided his hand so he could see how to form that 8. "Make an S and close the gate." He smiled and said, "I'm so glad you teach-ed me how to make an 8." Ok, so we are still working on grammar, but still:) I listened to a group of my ESL students when they just couldn't put those 2 sounds together...they simply didn't know what letters they were. Instead of getting frustrated, we changed the plans and just worked on certain letters.

You see, I don't want to be the teacher that teaches to the test. I want to be an encourager. I want to be a light in someone else's darkeness. I want to be a safe place for my students to come to. I want to really know each of my students. Not just what they can produce on paper or what they can score on a test. I want to know what makes them irritated...what makes them smile...what makes them close down and what makes them come to life. I want to know which tears mean they are hurt, which mean they don't feel good, which mean they are being pushed too far. I want to teach my students that it's ok to fail at times and make mistakes...because we all do. But then we learn from those mistakes. I want to challenge my students. I want to give them courage to try new things and see what they can do and accomplish.

These children are watching me...they are watching how I respond to everything. single. thing. I want to respond with love and kindness...with understanding.

I have 7 hours with these children everyday. I want to challenge my students to be their best. I want to give them courage to try new things and see what they can do.

Yes, I will mess up...I mess up all the time (thankfully kindergarteners are VERY forgiving!). It is hard, it is challenging...but I can tell you one thing. NOTHING gives you more joy than looking into a child's eyes and seeing that lightbulb go off and then the smile that is plastered all over that precious face because they finally got it.

TEACHER

I've come to a frightening

conclusion that I am the

decisive element in the

classroom. It's my personal

approach that creates the climate.

It's my daily mood that makes the 

weather. As a teacher, 

I possess a tremendous power to 

make a child's life

miserable or joyous. I can be a tool

of torture or an instrument of 

inspiration. I can humiliate or heal.

In all situations, it is my

response that decides 

whether a crisis will be escalated 

or de-escalated and a child

humanized or dehumanized.

-Haim G. Ginott

PS- If there are lots of mistakes, I blame it on trying to cook dinner and chasing kids while writing this in spurts...:)

Loss

Yesterday was National Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Day.

I saw a few things on Facebook...

But sometimes I try to block it out. Sometimes I don't want to remember the pain. I don't want to remember that day sitting in my dad's office, excited to hear the heartbeat of our baby.

It was 2 days before Christmas.

Sometimes I don't want to remember the look on my dad's face as he shifted from one foot to the other, searching for the heartbeat. I knew at that second something was wrong.

We lost the baby.

11 weeks into the pregnancy.

I prayed it was a just a bad dream and that everything would be just fine when I woke up. I remember crying in the office, holding onto Nic. And then I went numb.

We drove home in silence. No tears. I didn't want to see anyone....it was just Nic and I that night.

The next few days were filled with fake smiles and conversation...the numbness taking over.

On Christmas night, I felt the cramping start and knew that it was time to go to the hospital. I had the D&C that night.

It was the next morning when the numbness wore off...and then I was angry. I was angry at God for taking my baby from me. I was angry that He allowed such pain. I was angry that it happened to me. Was I just supposed to forget that I carried a precious baby for 11 weeks and just move on? At times I screamed at God. I felt alone. Although I was surrounded by family, I felt that they couldn't possibly understand the pain. I was the one who carried the baby.

This is also when the tears started...and didn't stop for a long time. Before this, I never really heard of women miscarrying, although I knew it was a possibility...but didn't think it could be a possibility for me. I thought I did something to make this happened. The burden of guilt had set in and I just kept questioning myself on what I did wrong that made me lose my baby.

As the weeks went on, women began to come to me...some that I have never met before. They prayed with me and for me. They encouraged me with their own stories. I remember thanking each of them for sharing with me. I remember being relieved in a way that I wasn't the only one that has gone through this pain.

There was one night in particular that I remember vividly. I went into the baby's room, sat on the chair, and begged God to take the pain away. I remember crying out to him asking that He would give me peace. I remember giving everything to God that night. I had to believe that there was some plan in all this.

When I left the room, there was a peace I can not explain. It was almost as if God whispered, "everything will be OK. I am with you." And I knew I would be OK.

And I knew He had a plan.

You see, my family and I went out for my birthday December 22nd. I begged my dad to take me in so I could see an ultrasound of the baby. He said to wait until the next day. We enjoyed the rest of my birthday dinner and the rest of that evening. God knew. I found out about the loss on the 23rd. We were off from school for Christmas break. God knew I would need those next two weeks. My brother and sister-in-law were leaving the day after Christmas for their new life in Arizona. God knew I would need my family by my side.

God knew.

Although the pain has never left, it isn't as sharp as it was before. And although I don't always want to remember those dark days, I am always reminded of God's peace and the beauty that comes from pain. Those days after I gave everything over to God, I clinged to God like I needed air. I held onto His promises. I never experienced real loss until December 23, 2007. Somehow my relationship with Him became more real. And I knew He held my hand and would guide me through the questions and the pain.

I didn't understand. But I learned to just trust God. When my heart starts hurting when I think of this time in my life, I remember Hayden. Yes. Hayden...born 10 months after I lost my first baby.

I remember God has a plan...even through such heartache.

Honesty Day 2

I have started this post over and over and feel like I can't find the right way to say this in a nice way. This is probably the part of me that I hate the most. It is the part of me that I struggle with on a daily basis. So I will just say it. (and can I just say this honesty stuff is kind of hard?)

I am a yeller.

I yell a lot. 

I yell at my kids, I yell at my husband, I yell at the dog...I even yellow at the stupid raccoon that keeps getting in our trash. I yell.

And I hate it.

What causes me to react in such a way?

It might be because I just told my son to watch the bowl full of cereal and milk and in that next second it is ALL over the floor. It might be because my other son has pooped in his diaper and then took it off to spread it all over the floor. It might be because my daughter wakes up in the middle of the night and screams and screams because she wants IN the bed with us and I won't let her so she wakes up everyone. It might be because I JUST told the older kids to stop play fighting because someone is going to get hurt...and in the very next breath my son punches my daughter right in the mouth and blood is everywhere. It might even be because I am tired and the fighting and the bickering and the HIGH PITCH screaming just got on my last nerve. 

There is no excuse to lose control and just yell.

You see, it's just the every day, normal "kid accidents" that set me off. And here is when I realized it ...I react when I feel like I have lost all control. Lately I have found myself wondering what the heck sets me off. 

I look around me at other mommas out there and I think to myself, "man, she has the patience of a saint. How does she stay so completely calm?" Yes, I know there are other yellers out there...but I'm wandering how to become one of those saints:)

And here is what I came to the conclusion of...I react to the ones I love the most when I feel like there is just too much on my plate and I cannot handle one more incident. I realized that when I am stressed with school or with my pages of to-do lists that that's when I lose it...I think that maybe if I yell, it will make me feel better...and unfortunately it is my child on the receiving end. And then I am left staring in the startled face of my precious child. And it makes me feel like dirt. It makes me sick to my stomach to have caused the tears in my children's eyes. I hate it. 

I don't want to be that mom. I don't want to be a yeller. I want to be different than that. I don't want my kids to fear me when they need help but are afraid of getting in trouble. I want to be able to help my child and teach them the correct way to respond to different situations. I want to show them grace. I want to simply explain why their behavior is wrong instead of just yelling at them to stop.

I want to change. I want to become a safe haven for my children to come to and know that it is OK to make mistakes...because I make them every single stinkin' day. It's a daily battle.

There you have it...the part that I am most shameful of. Bleh...

Honesty

Alright folks, here it is...I am joining Lindsay on her journey of being honest. We are doing a Bible Study as a church called Seeking Him. Each week we are learning what is needed for a total spiritual revival. Last week was humility...this week honesty. I sit through church each week completely convicted. I am a prideful person. I want people to see me in a good light. I try to lead myself to believe that I can do things on my own. That I don't need anyone's help. I debated with myself for a little bit on whether or not I was ready to be that vulnerable to people that might read this. But I know I need to let go of my pride. It's not going to be pretty people...at all. But I thought maybe, just maybe, through this journey I could be of some encouragement, somehow, to another momma out there....letting them know they are not alone. Because the truth is, I feel like sometimes I am the only one that hasn't found the secret to motherhood...or to life for that matter.

So here it goes...

I am tired.

I am weary.

I am grouchy.

I didn't know there wasn't any toilet paper in the bathroom before I went in.

I couldn't get the kids to stay in bed tonight. 

I stepped on a stupid army man that I am pretty sure that I have picked up at least 4 times today.

The dog puked a half of loaf of bread whole.

Easton cried most of the day.

There is laundry covering my kitchen table and the kitchen hutch.

While I was laying in bed thinking I was going to get a nap, Colt and Hayden were in his room beating the crap out of each other while I thought they were sleeping. (don't worry...no one was hurt...this time)

There are toys EVERYWHERE.

I still haven't cleaned up the mess Easton made when he got out of his crib and decided to empty every drawer in Hayden's room. 

There are stink bugs invading our house.

I found 3 full diapers in the baby's room that I didn't know were there...and couldn't find when he kept walking out of the room NAKED. 

I forgot to brush my teeth today. 

I feel like I am losing control of Colton. And yes, I know he is all boy and I know he just has a lot of energy. 

I found out this week that my son has been sneaking an ipod into school 2 days in a row and I didn't even notice.

I opened Colton's lunchbox today to find that he didn't throw away any of the trash away and his drink had leaked so there was a goldfish paste covering the whole inside of his lunchbox.

I can't remember if I showered yesterday or Friday. 

My daughter still sleeps on the floor in our room.

I cooked for the first time in two weeks today.

I fed my kids cereal for dinner tonight. 

I yelled at Hayden A LOT today.

I gave Easton Benedryl before bed.

I have this overwhelming fear that I am in someway failing my kids, my husband and my students.

As Lindsay put it perfectly, "This is my life. Real, messy, crazy, sometimes ugly life."

Do I tell you this to feel sorry for me? NO. I am simply being honest with myself and to you that I do not have it all together. AT ALL. Some of you might even think, "man, that Tori girl is a hot mess." I know, that really is no surprise to those that know me well. But I wanted to share this because I have learned something this week. 

I learned that I don't have to have it all together...which I knew but somehow was trying to let myself believe that sometimes I do. I don't have to be the perfect wife, teacher, mom, or daughter. I can't be. I make mistakes. Daily. I also learned this-- I can't do this life alone. I need God. I need Him desperately. I need him to guide me every single day...to take me by the hand and show me how to live this life He gave me. I need Him to breathe truth and wisdom into me. I need Him to pour out His mercy on me. I need Him. I HAVE to lay down my pride and realize I am NOTHING without Him. Even when I think I can handle whatever life throws at me and I don't need help...I do. I need His strength. 

Then I remember that I serve a faithful God. A God that will not leave me. A God that forgives and a God that loves me. He loves me enough to let me fall on my face so I will realize it isn't my own strength that I lean on. I serve a God that gives me the energy and grace I need to face the day in front of me.

Ok, so that wasn't so bad...

Summer so far...

Here we are a couple weeks into summer and I already feel like it has slipped away in a blink of an eye...I guess that's the way it goes:)
In the last couple weeks, Hayden has learned how to tie her shoes and ride her bike without training wheels. Wha?! All within a day of each other. It really hit me when we were at the T-ball game and Hayden was running out in the field and I asked if she needed me to tie her shoe. She looked at me and said, "No, I can do it." And she did. And I wanted to shed a tear. She's growing up so incredibly fast I feel like I can't do anything about it. She has become my helper at home, cleaning the bathrooms and the dishes and even vacuuming without me asking. The other night I heard the vacuum cleaner and she told me, "I didn't want you to have to do it later tonight, so I'm doing it right now." That right there was precious.
Colt has also been changing quite a bit. He has always been my all-boy, no emotions-just matter-of-fact. Lately he has been showing such a soft, sensitive heart. Still all-boy, but man does he have a sweet spirit. He loves his Sissy very much...to the point that he ONLY wants to play catch with her at T-ball and is very protective of her. He wants so badly to be her best friend and do EVERYTHING she does. His feelings get hurt very easily lately. It breaks my heart sometimes to see what makes him upset.
Easton is still the easy going boy...so content with life and in his own little world. Although he is still our little tornado, he just smiles and life is just grand. And man, his smile...that will make anyone's heart melt. I have found with him, when he needs to be disciplined, all you have to do is look at him and he breaks down....so not like my other two:) I am pretty sure he is THE most cuddliest (is that a word?) in the world. And he will cuddle with ANYONE. He knows no stranger. For real.
This will be the third week for Summer School. I have been really enjoying it...I love still being connected to my students over the summer. I have also am all moved to my new classroom over at East. The kids have done an amazing job letting me get everything done. They have had their moments, but all in all everything has gone pretty smooth. I laugh because if I didn't have my three kids running around the classroom and getting out EVERY SINGLE thing, I could have had it all set up within 2 days:)
Nic has been staying busy with basketball and work. I am so proud of that man. He is on his way home right now from a weekend away at Indiana State for a tourney for the girls. He is doing great things for that program and I hope that the girls see his love for them as a coach and how much he believes in them.
All in all the summer is off to a great start...we leave for Hilton Head on Friday...FINALLY!!!! Don't worry, everything is already packed and waiting by the door:)

Bittersweet Ending to a Great School Year

Well, today marked the last day of my first year back to teaching. It was bittersweet. I am SO ready to just spend summer with my babies and my husband, but at the same time I had to say goodbye to 22 of my kids that I spent 173 days with. These kids have taught me so incredibly much this year...about compassion, understanding, love, patience, and so much more.

I will miss them terribly.

It is weird to look at my classroom right now. No kids' work hanging on the walls, no anchor charts hanging (or laying) around my room. Nothing on lockers. Nothing on bulletin boards. All the tables in the middle of the classroom. Nothing on my counters. Nothing in my "to do" bin.

I remember when I first entered this classroom for the first time. That overwhelming feeling of fear and excitement all rolled into one. I remember thinking, "how on earth am I going to decorate this room?" "Will the children like it?" "What kinds of things am I supposed to hang on the walls for a kindergarten classroom?"

You see, although I have taught 3 years previous to this year, it was in a total different environment. I had grown up in the halls of ECA. I knew the teachers. It was a comfort for me. My student teaching was done in a second grade classroom, so I knew what to expect going into my first year of teaching in second grade.

This time around it was a totally different ball game. I had 28 kids coming to me that first week. Three quarters knew NO English whatsoever. All they had ever known was Spanish. How was I supposed to teach to THAT many kids when they understood ZIPPO of what I was saying. Thankfully, another teacher, one who grew to be a great friend, saved us and we went down to 23 students. Throughout the year I had lost 3 students and then gained another 3 along the way.

I was sure that I had gotten in way over my head. Somedays I wanted to give up...felt that I was failing them. Maybe someone was more fit for my job. But I can tell you one thing right now...God knew that this was EXACTLY where I belonged. He knew that I needed those sweet children as much as I needed them. If I would have given up, I wouldn't have see those very same 6 year olds learn EVERY SINGLE letter and sound...some students knew 0 letters or sounds at the beginning of the year. I wouldn't have gotten to see these precious kiddos start putting sounds together to make words and eventually read a whole book by themselves. I wouldn't have been able to see them write sentence after sentence about what they were learning. I wouldn't have been able to watch each child interact with the others and grow into these amazing little people. I wouldn't have been able to watch the students who didn't speak English the first bit of school talk EXCESSIVELY in English to their friends. I wouldn't have been able to witness ANY of this if I would have given up...if I would have walked away...all because I was "scared" of failing them.

When you are in the midst of something like teaching, you sometimes wonder if it is all worth it. If what you are saying is being heard. If what you spend hours upon hours preparing for will even be accepted. Because you see, when you are a teacher, you are not only that...you are a mother at times, comforting a child that is having problems at home. You are a nurse, fixing up a scraped knee. You are a cleaning lady, cleaning up messes the CORRECT way when the students leave. You are a safe place.   In the end, you find that all those tears that were shed during the school year were worth it. Every single tear.

I also learned that it is ok to mess up. I have learned forgiveness from my students. I have learned that sometimes, as a teacher, you don't always have the answers. I have learned that sometimes life is messy for these innocent children and sometimes you can't do a darn thing about it. I learned that students come, and students go. You miss the ones that leave, and you pray that wherever they go, they are protected and loved, and you gain another child to your life when a new student walks through your doors. I have learned that it is ok to just be honest with my kids. I don't have to "pretend" to be ok 100% of the time. I have learned that it is ALL about the children...not a competition between co-workers...who has the best readers, or the cutest decorations, or who has the best writers. It is about those 22 individuals that you look at in the eyes every single day and pour your heart into them, teaching them...math, writing, reading, calendar, social skills, life.

Yes, I think I will keep my job....for a LONG time...but now I know why teachers get summers off...for the mental stability:)

Now it's time to put all my attention onto my family. Let the summer begin.

End of the School Year

Here we are, heading into the last week of school for the year for this year. In a sense, it has seemed like the LONGEST year ever, partly to the extremely long winter, adding of school days, and adding an hour onto each day for the last 2 months. In another sense, my first year back to teaching is already almost over. Now that's hard to believe.
I am thankful for this year, though. Thankful where it has lead me and how it has shaped me. I almost feel a sense of pride for knowing that I CAN be a full time working mother, a wife, and a teacher all at the same time. But then that pride is crushed when I realize how many times I have failed this year miserably at all three:) It has been a learning experience for sure. Some days I felt pretty good about how I was balancing all of life....others I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide...feeling like I just couldn't do it all.
I can tell you that I am extremely thankful for Nic. He has been an incredible husband and father, picking up my slack...bathing the kids, making dinner, taking children to practice with him, letting me sleep in, doing laundry, cleaning the house. Yes, he has been wonderful.
I am just looking really forward to this summer...recharging, just being with my kids and focusing on them and Nic with all my energy as well. I will be teaching Summer School but it is one day a week for 7 weeks.
Here are some things that have been going on these last couple months:
*Colton and Hayden have started T-ball at Osolo Little League and are on the same team. Hayden is number 5 and Colt 2. They are loving it. Colton is like a magnet to the ball. No matter what position he is playing, he runs after the ball each time and 95% of that time he gets the ball. They both have been hitting without the tee, so that has been fun watching them.
*At the beginning of May, ECA had their annual auction. My dad ended up buying us a German Shepard puppy who was 5 weeks old. The owner suggested taking her home for one more week so she could ween the baby from the momma. So, that next Friday, Nic picked her up and brought her home to live with us. It has been quite the 3 weeks, but she is doing really well. Her name is Samantha. Obviously, the children fell in love with her right away. We are still working on the non stop nipping, but she is starting to sleep through the night and does great staying with us in the yard. She is precious, that's for sure.
*Having a puppy means potty training the puppy. Well, apparently, Colt thought he would help out with this process by showing her how to do it. So, he has now taken to peeing in the yard as well. Seriously?? Well, the other day I was in the bathroom getting Easton ready and Colt came in. He was butt naked....with poop everywhere...on his feet, legs, butt, stomach, and even on his face. I wanted to throw up. After the initial shock and gagging, he had explained that he pooped outside. like the dog. In the rocks. Disgusting.
*Nic had this past week off from work. His relaxing turned into taking care of a sick little boy for one of the days. Colt came home from the sitter on Wednesday, crawled up on the couch and fell asleep. He slept until 8 the next morning. I tried several times to wake him up. Around 6 we noticed his cheeks a red we have never seen before...so we took his temp. 103. Not exactly the numbers you want to see on a thermometer. It took A LONG time to get it down to around 100 and I made Nic sleep with him to make sure he was ok. When he woke up the next morning, he was complaining of his right side hurting. Nic took him to the doctor and they tested him for strep, UTI, and checked his appendix. All ok. Apparently there is a virus going around and it knocks you down for about 24 hours. He is still not acting quite himself but at least he is active.
*Hayden's last day of preschool is tomorrow. Enough said.
*Nic and I joined a Life Group at our church at the beginning of the school year and man has it been a blessing. Every day I wake up and can't believe where God has led us in our marriage and in our family. He is a faithful God. And I thank Him for His mercy, love, and forgiveness every day. We serve a might God, my friends.
*Easton...what can I say. He has sure grown into his little personality. And man, is he a FLIRT. He is the sweetest little boy. When he smiles, he has 2 little dimples that just melt me...every time...even when it's a smile because he has completely emptied his plate on the floor. He does try to keep up with Hayden and Colton and is now standing up for himself. He makes me laugh every day and just gives me so much joy. He still isn't really talking...but does say "ouchhhhh," "duck," "doggie," and of course "dad," and "no." Still no mom. Blah.

Well, the Bachelorette is on so I must get going:)

January's Welcome with a Blizzard

It's a new year...and for that I am thankful! This year has already had quite an exciting beginning. We started off with a blizzard that made us go into a State of Emergency- which means our Christmas vacation has been extended! Woo hoo! I absolutely love being snowed in with my family (so far close to 2 feet of snow)...for the most part:) The kids can get a little restless...but hey...that's ok!

I am actually not really ready to go back to work. At times I think I am (like when the older two kids are yelling at each other and the baby cries every single time he is put down), but then I think about this special time that I have with my precious babes that I haven't had since going back to work. These past 2 weeks have been such a gift. Nic has also had the last 2 weeks plus today off, which has made it all the better. This is why I'm not ready to go back to "normal"...the late night games, practices, trainings, meetings, being absolutely exhausted, waking the kids up at the butt crack of dawn to make sure they are all ready for the day, whisking them off to their designated places. BUT, I will do it with a grateful heart:)

Yes, the day here, during break, have been filled with playing in the snow, baking, Nic cooking--A LOT, lots of cuddles, movie nights, playing with new toys, and more cuddling. Nic and I have also been in the process of re-doing our room...which has been a lot of fun to do together. Such a difference. No more dark chocolate brown walls!

Since we have been home for most of the break, I have had time to just reflect. Time to reflect on the circumstances over the past year, time to reflect on God's beauty from ashes, time to reflect on God's mercy. Time to reflect on lessons learned and how thankful I am for God's guidance, wisdom, and protective hand.

As for this new year, I can't help but smile...thinking about how God is going to guide us as a family and strengthen us.

Playing Catch Up

A lot has changed over the last few months here at the Minder household. Hayden started Preschool at ECA, Easton turned one, Nic hurt his leg...thought he would lose his job because of it, I started teaching again, and Colt...he is still Colt:)
Hayden has done SO incredibly well adjusting to all day preschool. After what we went through last year I was terrified for this new chapter. I was nervous. But she absolutely loves school, even though apparently she doesn't talk...at all...in class. She sure does talk about it at home though! It brings me absolute joy to hear her talk about her teachers, her friends, what she is learning. She is thriving and I am thankful for it.
I have started teaching Kindergarten at Concord and feel absolutely blessed where God has placed me. Don't get me wrong, the transition from staying home with my babies for 3 years to full time kindergarten has been shaky at times, but I love it. The staff that I am surrounded with is amazing. I do have to catch myself saying to my kindergarteners "You need to listen to mommy" and saying to my own children "if you don't stop, I am going to change your clip." Life has sure been interesting. I am sure it will take time to get used to all these changes. Being a working mom isn't quite as bad when you love your job.
Nic has stepped up totally and has been Mr. Mom and actually a better housewife than I was. My house has never been more clean than it is right at this second and our cabinets actually have food in them...ha.

I'm Back in Action

Well, I am back. I've missed this thing a lot...the therapy of blogging. Some of you may ask where I have been. The truth is these past few months have been the hardest months of my life. I haven't blogged because I didn't want to look back and see that those months were a whole bunch of fake posts with smiles and "good" memories. Maybe one day I will be strong enough to tell our story and how we have come through it by God's grace. Maybe God will be able to use our story someday to encourage others.  I would like to share, however, a few things that I have learned over the last months and even the past year and a half.
*God is faithful. He is not human. When I have thought there is absolutely no person on this planet I could place my trust in, He has shown himself to me in a very personal way.
*God gives me the strength I need for each day. If you would have told me 2 years ago that I would be going through what we have been through, I would have said there is absolutely no way I could be strong enough. But I was wrong. That whole saying "God does not give you more than you can handle" has made me laugh more than once. Just when I though I couldn't handle much more, God proved me wrong....a number of times.
*God's love is a powerful love. He does not give up on His children. He will do whatever it takes to get our attention and bring us back to Him.
*Forgiveness...a word that I never understood completely until this time of my life. Actually, I still don't completely understand...but I am getting there. Forgiveness is a powerful thing...more powerful than I could imagine. "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." I still don't have the words to describe the power of God when it comes to forgiveness. He doesn't necessarily let me completely forget everything, but somehow He has given me the strength to press on and strive to live a Godly life. I fail daily, but he is a gracious God. I do know there is no way on this green earth I could have gone through this trial without God's hand guiding me.
*God's peace is a very powerful thing.
*I am thankful for Godly guidance and counsel.
*Trust my instincts. That's all I am going to say about that right now. I have lost a lot of trust and belief in people. Sometimes the people that you think have the best interest in you are actually the people that have the most power to hurt you the most.
These are just a few things. But I did want to jot down some verses that have never been so close to my heart as they are now.
*Phil. 4:6-9
          Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. 
*Colossians 3
       Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things...put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. 
      Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks in God the Father through him. 
*James 1:2, 19
         Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
        My dear brothers, take not of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. 
*Ephesians 4:26, 29-32
       In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
       Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, foriving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. 
*2 Cor. 7: 10
       Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. 
I do know one thing, although I pray with my whole heart none of my children will have to go through the trials that we are going through now, I am thankful for a God that can do more than I could ever imagine. I would never want to relive the feelings and the moments of the past year and a half, but without those trials, I wouldn't be the person I am today and I would not have experienced God in a very personal and powerful way. I have felt His protection. There was a time I sat with my sister in a restaurant wondering if the tears would ever stop flowing. I wondered what I had done so wrong to deserve the trials that I had to walk through. I wondered if my prayers were ever heard. I wondered if I would ever be able to trust again. I wondered if the pain in my heart and the sleepless nights would ever stop. I wondered if there were any decent people in the world. I wondered when the questions would stop haunting me.
But I can tell you one thing. The wondering has stopped. By God's grace, I have stopped the wondering. By God's grace, He has allowed our family to start growing again and healing. By God's grace, He has brought us back into His blessings. Don't get me wrong, I had my screaming matches with God and times of wrestling with Him. I have hated Him at times. But yet He won't let me go. And for that, I am thankful.
One last thing, God sees and hears all. Your sins will find you out. The consequences suck. Some think they can hide things forever.

Easton is 8 months

Well, we have a little problem...my computer charger is not working so I haven't been able to blog in well....a very long time. I finally broke down and decided to use the iPad, but it is a little difficult so bear with me:) Over the last couple of weeks we have had to major celebrations- Easton turning 8 months old and Colt turning 3 years old. SO I need to catch up on a few letters. Unfortunately there will be no pictures until I can figure something out with the laptop:(

Dear Easton,

You are now a whopping 8 months old. This was again another big month for you. Watching you grow everyday makes my heart full of joy but it is bittersweet. You are my baby. My last. I am trying SO hard to take in every single moment with you.
This month you have started CRAWLING. You went from the inch-worm crawl to full out crawling on all 4's. You are officially mobile and man oh man are you mobile. Don't tell anyone, but I have lost you a couple of times in the house...whoops! You are such a content baby and enjoy surfing around the house. Such a happy baby.
You also want to be wherever your sissy and bubby are. You just watch and watch them....wanting to play with what they are playing with. I think they have a soft spot for you though because they don't go ballistic on you like they do each other:) You just smile that precious smile and get what you want, when you want it!
You have also gained 2 teeth...at the same time. Your 2 bottom teeth are fully in. Now, that was quite a stressful time for you:) You aren't a fan of getting teeth. It's ok though, I mean, who really is? You are quite handsome though with your 2 little teeth.
Easton, your personality is amazing. I can't get enough of you...no one can. You allow anyone to hold you and play with you and as soon as you give that toothy, 2 dimple, precious smile, you have them wrapped around your chubby little finger! Your laugh is contagious and comes right from your gut. You are content, as long as you are moving around.
You love your food. Your favorite is sweet potato. You also love the teething biscuit thingys...although that creates quite the mess. You don't mind it though. You are also sleeping through the night, waking up around 5 or 6, eating and going back to bed. You are an excellent sleeper now, which is nice since your brother decided not to be:)
I love you more than you will probably ever know. The joy you have brought to our family is undescribably. You have will always be our amazing little blessing. Can't wait to watch you grow this month, buddy. Just try to slow down just a little bit...I'm not ready for my baby to not be a baby anymore.

Love you Easton,
Mommy

Easter Weekend

This weekend has been absolutely beautiful. For the past Friday through Sunday the kids spent most of their days outside in the wonderful, Spring weather...and I was just complaining about the weather in the last post:) I am telling you, we couldn't have asked for a more perfect Easter weekend (besides Nic's father ending up in the hospital...but he is home and ok now!).

Saturday was Kristen's birthday. My parents were in Aruba, and in this family we take birthdays seriously...so I decided to get some of her friends together for a little get together as a surprise. But before that, we got to spend almost all day together. It did my heart good to spend some GOOD quality time with my sister. We hadn't done that for a LONG time. We were able to eat lunch together and shop a little at the mall. She was supposed to then meet me at my house "to go out to dinner", but instead her friends came to my house and we had a little party for her.

I think the most special moment of the weekend was on Easter Sunday, when my baby girl told me the meaning of Easter and explained every event from the time Jesus rode in on a donkey through the Resurrection. It was the most sweetest, innocent explanation I've ever heard. On Easter morning, Nic received a message that his father was in the hospital because of passing out the night before. I knew we couldn't take the kids to the hospital, so he went while I took the kids to church. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed hearing Pastor Blodgett preach again....such truth. We then had lunch at my parents' and the kids received Easter baskets and hunted Easter eggs. They enjoyed it immensely.
My heart has been overflowing all weekend.

Where is Spring??

Hmmm...I keep meaning to get on here and blog but life happens...and happens fast:) Well, it is supposed to be Spring...but it really doesn't seem like it. It is snowing as we speak. Here has been the last couple of weeks in pictures...

Also...just a little update on life...
Colt-All of the sudden is not falling asleep until about 9:30-11. It is driving me crazy!!! We start bedtime at 7:30. It's crazy. We are thinking maybe if we cut out naps but the problem with that is he NEEDS naps! So we are still trying to figure it all out.
Easton-Sleeping great. Eating baby food now and LOVING it. Such a great baby.
Hayden-Challenging phase right now. Very challenging. Love her to death but somedays I think she might BE the death of me:) Definitely stubborn. But she has also been a great helper for me and is loving school now.
I know this isn't long, but I need to clean the house:)