Well, today marked the last day of my first year back to teaching. It was bittersweet. I am SO ready to just spend summer with my babies and my husband, but at the same time I had to say goodbye to 22 of my kids that I spent 173 days with. These kids have taught me so incredibly much this year...about compassion, understanding, love, patience, and so much more.
I will miss them terribly.
It is weird to look at my classroom right now. No kids' work hanging on the walls, no anchor charts hanging (or laying) around my room. Nothing on lockers. Nothing on bulletin boards. All the tables in the middle of the classroom. Nothing on my counters. Nothing in my "to do" bin.
I remember when I first entered this classroom for the first time. That overwhelming feeling of fear and excitement all rolled into one. I remember thinking, "how on earth am I going to decorate this room?" "Will the children like it?" "What kinds of things am I supposed to hang on the walls for a kindergarten classroom?"
You see, although I have taught 3 years previous to this year, it was in a total different environment. I had grown up in the halls of ECA. I knew the teachers. It was a comfort for me. My student teaching was done in a second grade classroom, so I knew what to expect going into my first year of teaching in second grade.
This time around it was a totally different ball game. I had 28 kids coming to me that first week. Three quarters knew NO English whatsoever. All they had ever known was Spanish. How was I supposed to teach to THAT many kids when they understood ZIPPO of what I was saying. Thankfully, another teacher, one who grew to be a great friend, saved us and we went down to 23 students. Throughout the year I had lost 3 students and then gained another 3 along the way.
I was sure that I had gotten in way over my head. Somedays I wanted to give up...felt that I was failing them. Maybe someone was more fit for my job. But I can tell you one thing right now...God knew that this was EXACTLY where I belonged. He knew that I needed those sweet children as much as I needed them. If I would have given up, I wouldn't have see those very same 6 year olds learn EVERY SINGLE letter and sound...some students knew 0 letters or sounds at the beginning of the year. I wouldn't have gotten to see these precious kiddos start putting sounds together to make words and eventually read a whole book by themselves. I wouldn't have been able to see them write sentence after sentence about what they were learning. I wouldn't have been able to watch each child interact with the others and grow into these amazing little people. I wouldn't have been able to watch the students who didn't speak English the first bit of school talk EXCESSIVELY in English to their friends. I wouldn't have been able to witness ANY of this if I would have given up...if I would have walked away...all because I was "scared" of failing them.
When you are in the midst of something like teaching, you sometimes wonder if it is all worth it. If what you are saying is being heard. If what you spend hours upon hours preparing for will even be accepted. Because you see, when you are a teacher, you are not only that...you are a mother at times, comforting a child that is having problems at home. You are a nurse, fixing up a scraped knee. You are a cleaning lady, cleaning up messes the CORRECT way when the students leave. You are a safe place. In the end, you find that all those tears that were shed during the school year were worth it. Every single tear.
I also learned that it is ok to mess up. I have learned forgiveness from my students. I have learned that sometimes, as a teacher, you don't always have the answers. I have learned that sometimes life is messy for these innocent children and sometimes you can't do a darn thing about it. I learned that students come, and students go. You miss the ones that leave, and you pray that wherever they go, they are protected and loved, and you gain another child to your life when a new student walks through your doors. I have learned that it is ok to just be honest with my kids. I don't have to "pretend" to be ok 100% of the time. I have learned that it is ALL about the children...not a competition between co-workers...who has the best readers, or the cutest decorations, or who has the best writers. It is about those 22 individuals that you look at in the eyes every single day and pour your heart into them, teaching them...math, writing, reading, calendar, social skills, life.
Yes, I think I will keep my job....for a LONG time...but now I know why teachers get summers off...for the mental stability:)
Now it's time to put all my attention onto my family. Let the summer begin.
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