Honesty

Alright folks, here it is...I am joining Lindsay on her journey of being honest. We are doing a Bible Study as a church called Seeking Him. Each week we are learning what is needed for a total spiritual revival. Last week was humility...this week honesty. I sit through church each week completely convicted. I am a prideful person. I want people to see me in a good light. I try to lead myself to believe that I can do things on my own. That I don't need anyone's help. I debated with myself for a little bit on whether or not I was ready to be that vulnerable to people that might read this. But I know I need to let go of my pride. It's not going to be pretty people...at all. But I thought maybe, just maybe, through this journey I could be of some encouragement, somehow, to another momma out there....letting them know they are not alone. Because the truth is, I feel like sometimes I am the only one that hasn't found the secret to motherhood...or to life for that matter.

So here it goes...

I am tired.

I am weary.

I am grouchy.

I didn't know there wasn't any toilet paper in the bathroom before I went in.

I couldn't get the kids to stay in bed tonight. 

I stepped on a stupid army man that I am pretty sure that I have picked up at least 4 times today.

The dog puked a half of loaf of bread whole.

Easton cried most of the day.

There is laundry covering my kitchen table and the kitchen hutch.

While I was laying in bed thinking I was going to get a nap, Colt and Hayden were in his room beating the crap out of each other while I thought they were sleeping. (don't worry...no one was hurt...this time)

There are toys EVERYWHERE.

I still haven't cleaned up the mess Easton made when he got out of his crib and decided to empty every drawer in Hayden's room. 

There are stink bugs invading our house.

I found 3 full diapers in the baby's room that I didn't know were there...and couldn't find when he kept walking out of the room NAKED. 

I forgot to brush my teeth today. 

I feel like I am losing control of Colton. And yes, I know he is all boy and I know he just has a lot of energy. 

I found out this week that my son has been sneaking an ipod into school 2 days in a row and I didn't even notice.

I opened Colton's lunchbox today to find that he didn't throw away any of the trash away and his drink had leaked so there was a goldfish paste covering the whole inside of his lunchbox.

I can't remember if I showered yesterday or Friday. 

My daughter still sleeps on the floor in our room.

I cooked for the first time in two weeks today.

I fed my kids cereal for dinner tonight. 

I yelled at Hayden A LOT today.

I gave Easton Benedryl before bed.

I have this overwhelming fear that I am in someway failing my kids, my husband and my students.

As Lindsay put it perfectly, "This is my life. Real, messy, crazy, sometimes ugly life."

Do I tell you this to feel sorry for me? NO. I am simply being honest with myself and to you that I do not have it all together. AT ALL. Some of you might even think, "man, that Tori girl is a hot mess." I know, that really is no surprise to those that know me well. But I wanted to share this because I have learned something this week. 

I learned that I don't have to have it all together...which I knew but somehow was trying to let myself believe that sometimes I do. I don't have to be the perfect wife, teacher, mom, or daughter. I can't be. I make mistakes. Daily. I also learned this-- I can't do this life alone. I need God. I need Him desperately. I need him to guide me every single day...to take me by the hand and show me how to live this life He gave me. I need Him to breathe truth and wisdom into me. I need Him to pour out His mercy on me. I need Him. I HAVE to lay down my pride and realize I am NOTHING without Him. Even when I think I can handle whatever life throws at me and I don't need help...I do. I need His strength. 

Then I remember that I serve a faithful God. A God that will not leave me. A God that forgives and a God that loves me. He loves me enough to let me fall on my face so I will realize it isn't my own strength that I lean on. I serve a God that gives me the energy and grace I need to face the day in front of me.

Ok, so that wasn't so bad...