I don't think it would come to anyone's surprise that I don't handle fear very well. I don't like being by alone, especially at night. I'll admit it...I am 31 and I am afraid of the dark. It paralyzes me to the point I freeze and I stop breathing at points. I am constantly aware of things going on around me...people walking around me, noises, anything. It is something that I have always struggled with and constantly asking God to take away that fear. It is something I have to turn over to Him EVERY SINGLE DAY. I wish I could say I was strong. That I don't fear anything. That I am confident in what to do in any circumstance. And I wish I could say that I give all my fear to God and so I never struggle with it. I wish I was that strong. I look around me and admire women that seem so strong and so confident. But I am not one of those women.
People tell me all the time to stop being afraid, or ask why I am afraid. Maybe it's because Nic is on the streets at night and I am in the house alone with the kids. Maybe it's because of the stories I hear from Nic's job. Maybe it's because for awhile I was hearing of cops being killed on a DAILY basis So bad that I had to get rid of Facebook. Maybe it's what I have seen on TV or in movies. Maybe it's just all in my head. I hear things that may or may not really be there. I freeze when Shadow starts growling and barking outside my window. I may or may not think I see a light coming through the window. I'm not sure where it all comes from. I am telling you, I am a little crazy.
My fear comes in the night. Nic has been switched to mids again so he is gone during the night. Go figure. But God says in His word OVER AND OVER to NOT be afraid. So why do I struggle with this SO badly?
I have been collecting verses over the last few years, because like I said, fear has always hard for me to control. Here are some of the verses that have helped me and I try to cling to:
Hebrews 13:6 "So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?'"
Proverbs 29:25 "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."
Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation-whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life-of whom shall I be afraid?"
Psalm 91 "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." .... He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day."
Isaiah 35:3-4 "Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with fearful hearts, "Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you."
Psalm 56:3-4 "When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?"
Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Philipians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."
These are just a FEW of the verses I am constantly going back to.
So tonight, as the darkness has settled, I need to choose to meditate on these verses. I need to ask God to guard my mind during the night, that thoughts won't creep in. And tomorrow, I will do the same. I will conquer this stupid fear, won't I?