Dear Tori,
When you first get married, you will dream of the perfect home, the perfect family, the perfect life. You dream of being a teacher, then having kids, being a stay-at-home mom, attending Bible Studies, and much more.
You will achieved many of your dreams, although it won't be the smooth road you imagine it might be. This road will have many winding ways, bumps, imperfections. Sometimes it will get too bumpy you won't be sure you will find your way again. You see, you will become a teacher right after college, which will be an achievement in and of itself. You will have your dream job of teaching second graders. However, before the first semester of your first year teaching will end, you will run into your first big bump and crossway in the road. You will find out you are pregnant. You will be scared to death but thrilled beyond belief. You will be very sick, very tired. However, you will begin to fill with a joy as you imagine what it will be like to hold your own baby in your arms and start to dream about this baby's life. But then, you will find that you lost that baby. Please know that it is nothing that you did wrong. You will blame yourself...think of the "what-if's". You won't find an answer, so don't keep asking. You will find that your heart has broken in a way you never imagined. You will cling onto Nic and he will be your rock. Your relationship with him will be stronger than ever. Your faith has never been shaken like it is at this point in your life. You will have a decision to make...you will either blame God for what has happened and stay in that deep despair...or you will hold onto God's hand, know His faithfulness, and choose to grow closer to God, knowing there is a reason and a plan. You will choose the latter. You will choose to keep going on, even though the hurt won't go away. You will return to school with many questions from your students. You will find strength in their hugs and their innocent prayers. There will be times that you see other pregnant woman, and want to hate them. You will see newborns, even hold them, and will sometimes fall apart, but you will remain strong. You will find that God will lead you through this hard time and hold you. Over time, the pain will ease and you will know that God has something bigger for you.
As the road starts getting smoother, you find out you are once again pregnant. You will be scared and you will want to worry about every single thing that changes with your body. My wish is that you would know that everything that you have worried about, cried over, panicked for was for nothing. You will give birth to a perfect, healthy baby girl. She will be your life.
Remember that whole stay-at-home mom that you dreamed about? It won't come yet. You will find that trying to balance a baby, a job, a home, and a marriage is the hardest thing yet. You will cry many mornings not wanting to leave your baby girl. You will wonder if you will ever be financially stable enough to stay at home and raise your children. You will find many heart aches with parents that you will run into with students in your class. You are going to struggle with time management. You are going to question God. But you will find that on your knees before God is the most comfort and He will hold your hand through this.
You will go through many heart aches with friends. You will learn that sometimes friendships don't last. That they aren't strong enough to last. You will cry over these friendships, pray for these friendships, and in the end you will find that you only have a few "close" friends...and those are the ones you will consider family. You will find that you are far from being popular with the people around you. You will try so very hard...but will learn the hard way that if you have to try that hard...that's now who you are...or the person God wants you to be. You will try to be someone you aren't...and it is going to slap you in the face. Stop and realize your identity is in Christ. Nic will help with this.
Your third year teaching, you will find that you are pregnant again...not planned. The panic will return as you try to figure out what you are going to do with a new born and an 18-month-old...not to mention what you are going to do about money. But, you find that the love for this child already is more than you could imagine. Your marriage will have many struggles. Being a wife of a police officer is hard...but the pride for Nic will help you through. There will be days that you wonder if you are going to survive. It will...and it will be stronger in the end. For the first 8 months of your little boy's life, you will have little to no sleep at nights, you will cry more than you will laugh, you will have days that you forget to brush your teeth or take a shower or both. You will have days that both babies will cry ALL day long. But...you will also have days full of laughter and fun with your family. You will sit back and thank God for the family He has blessed you with. You wouldn't trade ONE second of it. You will make mistakes...a lot of them. You will yell at your children, and then quickly scoop them up in your arms and apologize for it. You will learn as you go with the whole parenting thing. Because let me tell you, you are still no expert and made a few mistakes already today. You will love your children more than life itself. You will come to the decision that you feel God is leading you to stay home with your 2 children for the time being. You will pray for open doors of income from the home...many doors will close. Just when you feel like there is no other choice but to return to work, your friend will mention a way that you can earn income while staying at home. You and your husband will join the business together. It is going to be a roller coaster ride, so you will need to hold on tight.
You are going to feel like you have no worth some days...that you are a failure as a mother, as a wife, and as a follower of Christ. Know that your worth doesn't come from earthly things but is found in Christ. You are going to lean on God in a way you never imagined. You are going to find that the relationship you had with God before you were married was nothing compared to what you will walk through in the first 4 years of your marriage. You will hold onto His Word and know that sometimes it is the only truth you know.
You will constantly struggle with anxiety...bad anxiety...but STOP...it is sin. Anxiety is not trusting God...this you will always struggle with and need to constantly give over to God. That worry is worthless. But you still will worry.
I wish you would know then that God has every single thing under control. There is nothing that you can do to change God's will except not listen to Him. All those sleepless nights are not going to do you ANY good. The thing that you don't see through a lot of this is that you will make it. Although you have many imperfections, you will find that your husband and your God look over those imperfections and love you for who you are...not what you haven't accomplished in life or for being the perfect wife, mother, or friend....because you never will be. You are going to learn that through everything you go through from day to day that most of it will be spent on your knees in prayer for your family and for wisdom and guidance. You will learn...after 26 years...that every single day you need to surrender your children, your husband, and even you to God.
If all this happens in the first 4 years of marriage, I can't wait to see what you learn in the next four years.
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