Back to work

I have been debating writing this post most of the weekend and the beginning of this week. I didn't know if I wanted to take the risk of putting this out there in fear of some that would say certain things. One of those things having to deal with something I started a year ago in hopes of working from home to earn income. Although I loved the business and the products, it wasn't giving my family the income we needed. I have spent the last year trying to find something, anything, that would allow me to be able to stay home with my babies. We cut back on different things. I did some babysitting.
A couple of months ago, I started to realize the stress Nic was under trying to provide for our family. Cops don't get paid what they should for the line of work they do. There were a lot of days that the children didn't even see their father because of work. He would work his usual hours and then go straight to working security at games or working SE. It was extremely hard for all of us. He was running himself into the ground working.
As I prayed and cried and prayed and cried, I knew what I had to do. I knew that I needed to do something to help bring in income. I knew I needed to find a job. As I sit here typing this all out, I am dying inside. I know there are thousands of working moms, but that doesn't take away the anxiety, the guilt. It is killing me that tomorrow morning, I go back to being a working mom. It is killing me that I have to leave my babies. I keep asking myself if I am doing the right thing. I don't know the answer to that question. I want the answer to be yes. That this way Nic won't have to work as much and can spend more time as a family. That we will be able to give our children more. That the stress would be lifted off of us as a couple. That we will be financially ok.
I don't know if I am ready for this challenge. The challenge of scheduling appointments for my children. The challenge of finding people to watch the children when our moms can't watch them (I know they will be in great hands, but they aren't my hands). The challenge of juggling the duties of the house with mom duties, wife duties, and now school duties.
The other thing that is killing me is not being able to attend MOPS and not being able to do "play dates" anymore.
I know that I need to just trust God. I do. But it is still hard.
Bottom line, I hate money. I hate bills.
Please pray for me tomorrow. Please just pray that God will give me the strength and peace as I walk out the door. Everything happened so fast with this job that I was inwardly praying that I could still find a way by staying at home. Pray that God will just hold my hand throughout the day as I work with other children while I am thinking of my own children at home.
Sorry for the depressing post:)
Ok, I am going to go play with the kiddos. Have a great day:)