I am blank because...

I seriously can't believe it is Thanksgiving week! I am soooo super excited to let the festivities begin....one more day of work...one more day!! I can do this:)

So, as I was reading through my daily blogs tonight, I saw a post and thought it would be fun to do. Sooooo....here ya go:)

I am weird because...

I would rather watch I Love Lucy or Friends over any other show on TV.

I could eat chips and salsa for any meal...including breakfast.

I will eat the pizza crust without the rest of the pizza.

I sleep on the floor of our family room with our dog when Nic is away.

I can't sleep in our room by myself.

I pick at my head until it bleeds, and then get upset when I have blood under my nails.

I get my feelings hurt over stupid, stupid things. 

I have to read my daily blog roll ever. single. day.

I hate to shower (don't worry, I still do shower).

I LOVE getting mail via snail mail.

I don't like loud music.

I make a weekly dinner list...but never follow it.

I hate to exercise.

I don't like to cuddle in bed...I feel claustrophobic.

I have anxiety attacks during the night.

It takes me FOREVER to fall asleep.

I would rather be cold than hot because I can cover up with a blanket.

I'm a bad friend because...

I am insecure at times.

I don't return calls/texts in a timely fashion.

I forget to return calls/texts.

I am bad about sending thank-you/birthday/Christmas cards.

I'm a good friend because...

I love my friends' kids like they were my own.

I would die for anyone of my friends...seriously.

I would do anything any time of day for my friends.

I want to see my friends succeed.

I am proud of each of them.

I love to laugh hard and am not afraid to act silly.

I am sad because...

The pain from losing my first child is still very real.

I want to see my brother, sister-in-law, and niece.

I want to stay home with my kids.

I feel that I fail my family and friends a lot.

I carry momma guilt...a lot.

I am happy because...

I am sitting here with the fireplace on and my husband and baby are by my side and baby boy is talking away in his crib.

my children played all evening together without fighting.

our house smells like apple crisp.

I have been blessed with amazing coworkers.

I get to see my sisters soooo soon!

my husband and Steve watched all 3 kiddos while Tara and I (and my parents) went to Breaking Dawn.

tomorrow is my last work day for the week.

I get to watch my hubby play and read with our children...and they absolutely adore him.

the laundry is almost ALL done...for today.

my hubby helped me clean ALL the dishes and clean out the fridge.

Hayden hasn't had accidents in a while. 

I am loved by my family and friends.

I am excited for...

Turkey eating.

Christmas music.

Christmas decorating.

Family time.

Puzzles with the sisters and mom.

Craft night with Tara.

Christmas movies.

Family time.

This is me.

"Why compare yourself with others?No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you."

I have been struggling with something recently...well...ok...all my life. But lately I feel that it has been a little worse than normal. It is something that my best friend as well as my husband tell me over and over I can't do...and that is to compare myself to others. Do you ever feel like you do this? PLEASE tell me I am not the ONLY one! It isn't because I don't like who I am or anything like that.

I have questions that flow through me like:

-Am I as nice/pretty/smart as so and so?

-What are people thinking of me?

-Would what I do/say make a difference?

-Would my actions make me accepted?

-Am I funny enough for this person to like me?

OR thoughts like:

-I wish I was as kind as her.

-I wish people looked to me like they do her.

-I wonder if people think of me as someone they can trust like they do her.

You know, the insecure side of me pops up. I aim to please people too much. 

Anyways, I have been reading my usual blogs that I LOVE reading EVERY day and I have finally accepted that I am the best "me" there is. I have heard/seen this MANY times, but I think it is FINALLY sinking into my hard head. I have to stop trying to be who I think people want me to be and just. be. me. I have to stop trying to say things and act different ways that I think will make people like me. 

I AM that mom that sleeps on my daughter's floor just so she will sleep through the night.

I AM that wife that makes mistakes...lots of them.

I AM that mom/wife/daughter/sister/friend that WORRIES nonstop about the safety and health of my kids, husband, sisters/brother, and friends.

I AM that girl that only has 3 close friends...they are the only ones that put up with all my crap and still love me through everything.

I AM that girl that stays up LATE just to read my daily blogs.

I AM that girl that wants to make people laugh.

I AM that girl that constantly forgets things.

I AM that mom that likes my kids on a schedule...it helps me function better.

I AM that wife that calls her husband CONSTANTLY just to hear his voice.

I AM that mom that wants to me with her kids every second...although I can't be.

I AM that person that has to write everything down just so I can cross it off after I accomplish it.

I AM that mom that messes up in the kitchen on a regular basis.

This is who I am. Take it or leave it. 

"To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are."

Blah

Today was my first day back as a working mom. I was supposed to start yesterday, but it changed to today. It was a hard day. Lots of tears. Mom had the kids today. Hayden drew all over herself with grandma's lipstick...and all over grandma's BSF papers.
I do love the school that I am in though. I love the faculty and I love the kids already. There smiles were so refreshing and the compliments were nice too:) I am excited to work with these students and really get to know them and hopefully be an encouragement to them.
Hopefully I will start to blog a little more over time, but my heart isn't in it right now.

Back to work

I have been debating writing this post most of the weekend and the beginning of this week. I didn't know if I wanted to take the risk of putting this out there in fear of some that would say certain things. One of those things having to deal with something I started a year ago in hopes of working from home to earn income. Although I loved the business and the products, it wasn't giving my family the income we needed. I have spent the last year trying to find something, anything, that would allow me to be able to stay home with my babies. We cut back on different things. I did some babysitting.
A couple of months ago, I started to realize the stress Nic was under trying to provide for our family. Cops don't get paid what they should for the line of work they do. There were a lot of days that the children didn't even see their father because of work. He would work his usual hours and then go straight to working security at games or working SE. It was extremely hard for all of us. He was running himself into the ground working.
As I prayed and cried and prayed and cried, I knew what I had to do. I knew that I needed to do something to help bring in income. I knew I needed to find a job. As I sit here typing this all out, I am dying inside. I know there are thousands of working moms, but that doesn't take away the anxiety, the guilt. It is killing me that tomorrow morning, I go back to being a working mom. It is killing me that I have to leave my babies. I keep asking myself if I am doing the right thing. I don't know the answer to that question. I want the answer to be yes. That this way Nic won't have to work as much and can spend more time as a family. That we will be able to give our children more. That the stress would be lifted off of us as a couple. That we will be financially ok.
I don't know if I am ready for this challenge. The challenge of scheduling appointments for my children. The challenge of finding people to watch the children when our moms can't watch them (I know they will be in great hands, but they aren't my hands). The challenge of juggling the duties of the house with mom duties, wife duties, and now school duties.
The other thing that is killing me is not being able to attend MOPS and not being able to do "play dates" anymore.
I know that I need to just trust God. I do. But it is still hard.
Bottom line, I hate money. I hate bills.
Please pray for me tomorrow. Please just pray that God will give me the strength and peace as I walk out the door. Everything happened so fast with this job that I was inwardly praying that I could still find a way by staying at home. Pray that God will just hold my hand throughout the day as I work with other children while I am thinking of my own children at home.
Sorry for the depressing post:)
Ok, I am going to go play with the kiddos. Have a great day:)

ABC Friday

Why is it that 95% of the blogs that I read on a daily basis look like they have professional pics in every stinkin' post?? I know I am still kind of a newbie with the blog world. But seriously?! I have spent/wasted/whatever you wanna call it about 3 hours reading blogs, being inspired. But it is starting to irk me that I might be the only one out there that isn't a professional photographer to take AMAZINGLY PERFECTLY BEAUTIFUL pics of my kiddos and our every day happenings. Oh well, get over it, Tori. Your whole ranting/jealousy isn't going to change that fact. So, you will have to just deal with my average picture taking skills:)

Ok, I am done. Anyways, during those 3 hours of blog stalking reading, I came a across a blog that described the blogger with the ABC's. I thought it was cool. So, I am going to do the same thing. Because that's what I do. I copy cool ideas.

A. age :: 26

B. bed size :: king

C. chore you hate :: putting laundry away

D. dogs :: Iris the English Mastiff

E. essential start to your day :: going pee

F. favorite color :: blue-all shades

G. gold or silver :: gold-it's classic

H. height :: five foot one

I. instruments you play :: none 

J. job title :: momma, wife

K. kids :: Hayden and Colton

L. live :: Good ole' Elkhart

M. maiden name :: Ferguson

N. nicknames :: torrance, gma calls me Toadie

O. overnight hospital stays ::twice with babies

P. pet peeve :: slow drivers, mean people

Q. quote :: "A friend is someone who knows us, but loves us anyways." Fr. Jerome Cummings

R. righty or lefty :: right

S. siblings :: Older Bro-Adam; Younger Sisters-Kris and Sarah

T. time you wake up :: 8

U. university attended :: I didn't, I went to Bethel College

V. vegetables you dislike: Asparagus

W. what makes you run late :: my kiddos

X. x-rays you’ve had :: I think only at the dentist?

Y. yummy food :: Hacienda and Bruno's pizza

Z. zoo animal favorite :: zebra (it even ends in z:))

Because of my complaining earlier, I will now prove the fact that "professional" pictures do not exist (taken by me) in our household. Which brings me to a totally different point. In the past couple of weeks Nic and I have decided to leave our "smart" phones behind and go back to not-so-smart phones to save some money. I am really having a hard time without my Droid 2:( Not really, but I do find myself grabbing my new, free phone searching for the e-mail icon and the facebook icon. Hey, maybe this is for the better? Maybe I won't waste so much time stalking everyone else?!  The quality of this picture proves my point:) But, none-the-less, the subjects of the picture are still beautiful!

Hope you have a FANTASTIC Friday and weekend! Make it a great one! Here is another little quote that I have seen that makes me smile:

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort" Herm Albright