Whatever is TRUE...think about such things...

Tonight is a hard night for me. Not because my children are being a handful, or because I am stressed, but because right now my heart is heavy. I knew this next phase of life with going back to work would be difficult. I knew I would go through times of questioning. Tonight is one of those nights. Please allow me to be completely raw right now. It is not pity party, but an open heart. 

For the past week, Hayden has been having accidents after I get home from work. She has been having about 2 a night. She was completely trained when I started work, and now I can barely keep her dry. She doesn't have any accidents during the day...only when I get home. I know that there are going to be struggles with each of us and dealing with those is going to be heard. But I am to the point where I feel like life is a little much right now. 

My house is a mess.

I am tired.

The laundry is stacked up.

I know that there are millions of working moms that have their routine down pat and make everything work...but right now I am struggling to find that balance. All I want to do when I get home from work is be with the kids...but then I look around and notice all the house duties that are not done. I start to clean dishes or start doing laundry. Then by the time night comes I wonder if I spent enough time with my children. I want to make every moment with my children count and my biggest fear is failing them. 

Although it is sometimes hard to hear all about the things my friends that are SAHMs are doing with their children throughout the day or where they go, I can't help but wonder if I am failing my own children by not being there with them during the day. I am not able to take them to play dates, MOPS, Bible Study, out to lunch, or wherever. Will they wonder why when they get older? Are they missing out on these things?

I am finding myself on my knees in prayer more now than ever asking God to give me wisdom and strength through this transition. I love my job and know I am there for a purpose, but my heart is at home with my babies. I am asking for your prayers. 

I am sitting here right now holding Hayden, even though she should be in bed right now. As I was writing earlier (above), my mind kept going to Philipians 4:6-9. This verse has had a significant impact on my life over the past couple of years, so it doesn't surprise me that it is coming to me now:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

This is my prayer. 

I am Loving...

Some things I am loving right now...

-having both kiddos by my side, reading together

-watching movies with my husband after the kids go to bed

-having an empty laundry basket because that means the laundry is all kept up

-driving home from school knowing that I don't have to stress over anything the rest of the night:)

-walking into the house at 4:00 and having both the kids run into my arms

-waking up with my babies...and seeing their smiles

-the hugs that I am getting from children...even the ones I haven't even met yet

-the stage that both of the kids are in...Hayden is talking nonstop and just growing into a beautiful young lady. Colt is talking as well and starting to be able to communicate so much more.

-learning to bake and cook different recipes I haven't tried before

-planning Hayden's birthday party

Those are just some of the things that have been really special to me these past few weeks so I thought I would share. 

Just a little update on the whole job...I promise I will not always be talking about it, but I just want to record how it is going once in awhile. I am absolutely loving getting to know the children and working with them closely. My prayer every day that I walk through those doors is that I would be a light to those that I come in contact with throughout the day. Because I am a para, I only have to be there when the children are so I don't go in until 9 and leave at the same time as the kiddos. I have now met all but one of my Extreme Reading groups. I have 4 different groups that I will be meeting with 4/5 days a week...1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th grade. During the times that I am not with those groups, I am helping in different classrooms, working with a couple of children at a time. I am starting to get the hang of things and what is expected out of me. I am known to everyone as the Resource Officer's wife:) One of the major things I love about this job is that as soon as I leave the building, there is nothing I take home with me, and I don't have any other stuff to stress over. If you know me, and you have known what has happened in the last year, you know that the whole stress thing was huge for me. 

When I wake up each morning, I know I have 2 choices: to dread going to work, knowing that I am leaving my babies and missing out on different "mom" things, OR thanking God for the opportunity He has presented to me and pray that I will make an impact on the children I meet with, or even just see in the halls. Yes, it is still hard to walk out the front door in the morning, but I know that Hayden and Colton are getting loved on by their grandmas. 

Ok, I must get off of this and return to my house duties before bed:) Goodnight everyone!!!!