Random

Today I am missing my grandpa...painfully missing him. A year ago tomorrow, my grandpa left this Earth to be with Jesus. As happy as that makes me, the selfish part of me wants him back so incredibly bad. I dream about him every once in a while, when I fall asleep missing him. I dream of him holding Colton. He loved that little boy so much. I dream about sitting with him laughing at his sarcasm. I dream of him chatting with Hayden listening to her talk in her own language. I even dream that I am a little kid again and he is pushing me on the swings at their house in Bloomington.
This year has been hard without him here. It has been even harder to watch my grandma miss her husband, her other half.
I have a picture of my grandpa and grandma from years ago sitting beside my bed. Hayden will walk up to it every time she comes into our room and says, "that's gampa." I always smile at that. I wish so badly that Hayden and Colton and even this new little baby inside me would have been able to grow up knowing him.
I miss you, Grandpa!

On a lighter not, here are a few random thoughts from the week:
*Hayden has found a new favorite hobby...actually 2: Going on "dates" with her dad and making up songs to sing to herself.
*Colt has been talking up a storm with new phrases.
*Nic is still working out like a mad man and man is he looking hot:) The downside to this is as he is getting all hot and in shape, I am getting all fat and huge:)
*Speaking of huge, I am now in my 12th week of this pregnancy. I swear I wasn't this big until I was like week 16 or 17 with the others. I have fallen totally in love with this new little baby and just cannot wait to hold him or her in my arms. I had an ultrasound on Thursday evening and it was one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. At only 12 weeks, we were able to watch our little baby jump and flip around like crazy. The arms and legs were moving and we got to see and hear the heartbeat. It was truly something that made me think, "wow, God is GOOD." We did get a little video of the baby, but he/she was resting after showing off:)

That's all for now. I have pictures but I can't download them on this computer, so I will have to wait.

February 17-A Day of Saying Goodbye

What a LONG week this has been. I think I experienced EVERY emotion there could POSSIBLY be!

We started off the week with Valentine's Day...Nic and I were able to go out to eat with some of our dear friends, the Spiveys. Dinner was DELICIOUS and the conversations made me laugh like I haven't in a long time...which was a good emotion. Tuesday Nic had SWAT all day...which made for a lonely day and then he had a game. Wednesday we headed for Spencer, IN as soon as I was done with babysitting. We went straight to the funeral home for the 4 hour viewing...I wasn't sure what I would feel or what I would do when I first walked in and saw Grandpa's body. I thought I wouldn't want to look and just start balling.

However, he looked absolutely beautiful and peaceful. He, of course, was dressed in a handsome suit, with his American Flag pin. Nic was able to help my grandma and mom pick out what he was to wear. I knew then that although his earthly body is still here, his soul isn't. He is in heaven in his new, glorified body.

It was still a weird feeling though. Sometimes I caught myself just staring at him, willing him to miraculously start breathing again and then I would wake up and know everything in the last 3-4 weeks was just a dream.

We went through all the emotions, and sometimes, to tell the truth, it was like my body was there with a smile on my face but I wasn't fully there. Maybe it was just from being tired. It was hard to watch my mom and grandma hug one person after another, welcoming their condolences trying their hardest to be strong. They were tired...more tired than any one person could be. I prayed time and time again for God to wrap His arms around my mom, grandma, Jan and their siblings as well as my grandpa's siblings.

I couldn't believe the number of people that had stopped by. People my grandma had worked for years ago, family I honestly have never even met or knew of, friends from home.

My grandpa has 7 kids...I finally got to meet ALL of them this week. My dad and I talked about how it is sad that it took a funeral to bring everyone together. My grandpa also has 5 siblings, 4 still living. We were able to see all of them. He has 2 sisters and 2 brothers. I kind of smiled when I saw all four of them together because they hadn't been all together in who knows how long and they were able to be together. I was also smiling because I think I was taller than all of them...where in the world did grandpa get his height? I think he stole that gene from all of them.

One of the most touching, heartbreaking moments of that night was when Jean, the oldest brother (who is on oxygen) took off his tubes, walked up to the casket, and just took in the moment. He walked away with tears in his eyes like he couldn't take another moment.

I also found out that night that I, along with my sisters and Nic, was going to be talking at the funeral.

Remember that last post about how I hate to show emotion in front of ANYONE?? Well...I showed A LOT of emotion to cover me for the rest of my life that next day.

The funeral was beautiful, flowers surrounded the room from various friends and family. Grandpa's casket was beautiful with a bouquet of flowers on top that represented him as a husband and father and then there was a smaller bouquet by his head that represented him as a grandfather. There was also an American flag folded in the other corner that represented him serving his country.

Pastor Tom opened the funeral with kind words and reflections on Grandpa's life. Sarah and Kristen followed with verses that my grandpa had come to absolutely love in the last weeks of his life. I was proud of them. Until Kristen, on the very last verse broke down...then I think everyone just lost it. And of course I was up next...great. However, through broken tears and many pauses, I was able to communicate, somehow, everything that my grandfather meant to me. Nic followed with a wonderful, beautiful speech of his experience with my grandpa and Jan ended with her own reflections.

One of the hardest things to watch during the funeral was my grandma and my mom. They were in the first row, I was in the third. I wasn't sure if my grandma was going to make it through the funeral but somehow she did. After the funeral we all had only a moment with grandpa one last time.

It was hard...really hard...knowing they were going to close the casket and we would never see him again (until heaven). It was hard to watch my mom lean over just sob. It was hard to watch them take off his jewelry. It was hard to watch them close the casket and drape the flag over the top. It was hard to watch all the men carry the casket out the door.

We then went to the grave site. I was so proud when the military veterans (not sure exactly what they called) presented the flag to my grandma and then the sounds of the 21 gun solute firing and tapps.

We then went to Aunt Donna's for a wonderful meal. It was a bittersweet time because I knew that once we left her house, we wouldn't know when the next time we would see our family members. It took my whole life for EVERYONE to be together and we were together because of a death.

Anyways, those were very hard days, but it was an also an amazing celebration of grandpa's life. It was such a blessing to see everyone who my grandpa has touched in one way or another. Yes, God is good.

If you think about it, please continue to pray for my grandma, mom, and her siblings. I know it will take a long time for life to get back to "normal," if it can ever be that again. Mom says that she has been proud of Grandma's strength the last couple of days....but there will be days when I know they will feel like they can barely breathe. I know there will be better days than others but just continue to pray.

Grandpa Moves In

Grandpa and grandma are now moved in with my parents! It is actually kind of home-y. Adam and Nic moved out the furniture in the sunroom and brought up a twin bed and a dresser and TV. There is still a couch and a room divider for privacy. Hospice brought a hospital bed and some other necessary items. Sarah bought some flowers and everything was set up on Sunday.

Grandpa got to come home Sunday afternoon. I cannot tell you the difference it made with him being in a home environment with all of us together. He was smiling, talking, eating like crazy. A whole different person. He just kept saying how blessed he was and was just so happy. He wasn't making much sense but hey, I will take it:) According to him he is giving us his house because he loves Nic's company so much and he is buy the Goethel's house with a pool. Could I get that in writing?!

I know we don't have much longer with him, but I am thankful for this time that God has given us as a family. We have been able to see relatives that we haven't seen in years and have been able to spend time with Adam, Jamie and Rori...which you all know is very special to me.

I pray that these next couple of weeks will be filled with laughs, memories, and smiles. I pray that God will bring a comforting peace to my grandma and mom. I pray we take every second that we have with grandpa and hold it close.

We are very thankful for Hospice. They send people to the house to help take care of Grandpa, take care of prescriptions, and will even come a couple hours a week to stay with Grandpa if mom and dad need to get away. They have made life around here a little easier.

God has been very good to us through this hard time. He is a faithful God.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers...we couldn't be more thankful!

Update on Grandpa

We are now on day 4 at the hospital. The days have been long...the nights longer. He seems to do really well in the morning but fading by the evening. He gets confused...starts saying stuff that makes absolutely no sense. He imagines things. Mom and dad have been taking turns staying with him at night since he keeps trying to get out.

Mom and dad met with Hospice today and have decided to move grandpa into their house for now. They will bring in a hospital bed and a twin bed for grandma. They are going to change his medicine to oral so he won't be hooked up to anything anymore.

The fact is, he just wants to go home. He wants to be surrounded by the ones he loves...who loves him. He doesn't want his final days to be in a hospital...who does?

Adam, Jamie, and Rori are flying in today...should actually be here soon. Today's my brother's birthday. I am thankful that my brother is going to be able to be here with us...with grandpa. I know these aren't the best circumstances for all of us to be together again, but I am VERY thankful for this...for all my family to be together.

We would appreciate your prayers. We know that his days are short and we are ok with that. He will be in heaven soon with Jesus. However, grandma is not ok with all of this. Please pray for her....for God to hold her and to give peace to her. Pray for my mom...this is her daddy after all. Pray for wisdom for my parents and the doctors.

This is short but I will update more later. Thank you.

Be Still

Believe it or not I am sitting here...in the quiet...no kids around. I am finding it hard to just "sit" still and to be in this weird "quiet". I feel like I should be running around the house, changing a diaper, soothing crying babies, making sure Hayden isn't strangling her brother, picking up toys, doing laundry, cleaning dishes, doing something...not just sitting here. In different circumstances I would probably soak in the quiet around me and just relax...but not now...not here sitting on the third floor of the hospital. I am finding it extremely hard to sit and "be still." It is hard to sit here and be still when my grandpa is laying in a hospital bed and will his body to heal...for his kidneys to work regularly again. But I can't. It is hard to sit here and be still when I just want to break down and curl into a ball. But I can't. It is hard to sit here and be still when I don't know what tomorrow holds...or even tonight.

I know that I do need to be still and know God is in control. I need to be still and rest in the people that whatever happens in the next few days that God is holding our family in his hands...that he is holding my grandpa. If He does call my grandpa home to him I can be at peace that grandpa will be in heaven with God...in no more pain...no more hospital...no more maybe's. I need to be still and know that He is God.

Prayer Request

Today has been quite an emotional day. I woke up today wondering what we, as a family, were going to do. I knew Nic had a funeral to go to, SE he was going to work, and he had a meeting at some point. I thought maybe I would take the babies on a walk, go for a swim in our new little pool, play outside, and snuggle before nap time. I started thinking about what I would cook for dinner...if I needed to lay out meat, run to the store for ingredients, and so on. Hayden had slept in until 9:45, which was a total blessing. When she got up, we started our morning like we do every morning, getting Hayden milk, changing diapers, and getting dressed for the day. Nic got ready for the funeral and headed out the door. SO...I started to walk to our room to get Bubby and maybe fold some laundry (ok...a lot of laundry).
Little did I know that the day would make a turn in a blink of an eye.
I got a phone call from my mom. She told me that my grandpa (her dad) called her that morning and told her he thought this was it...that he felt like he was dying. He said he had a bad spell Friday and another one last night. He wanted to call her to tell her how much he loved her and how he felt like God was calling him home. Could you imagine getting a call like that from your father? The man that has raised you and loved you all your life? The man that has taught you so much and would do anything for you? I can't even fathom what my mom felt in those couple of minutes of the phone call.
So, my mom headed over to his house to check on him and just visit with him. My grandma was at work, luckily with my dad and sister Sarah. As she arrived to her house, she sat at the kitchen table and he sat on the couch after getting ready. As they were talking, my mom looked at my grandpa and he was slumped over, shaking, and his eyes were rolling back. Panicked, my mom tried calling me, Nic, dad, and 911. She later told me she could barely dial any of the numbers and all she could do was yell at my grandpa to not do this to her. By the time the ambulance came, he had come to but didn't remember a thing.
As this was happening, Nic had left the funeral to come home. We packed the kids up and headed to my grandparents to pick up my mom and go to St. Joe hospital. As we arrived, my sister, Tim, and my grandma were in the waiting room. One look at my grandma and I knew she was falling apart. She immediatly went to my mom and they wrapped their arms around each other. As I watched them, I knew that I needed to be strong for not only them, but for my sister as well. Not long after we got there, dad came out and had my mom and grandma go to where my grandpa was. While they were back there, grandpa's heart stopped...which they call "a very long pause". They determined that he had a heart attack earlier (which probably happened Friday). When my mom and dad returned to waiting room, dad told me I needed to go back and be with grandma and grandpa so mom could make some calls.
I didn't know what to say when I went to the small little room. What comforting words do you say in moments like these? I gave my grandpa a kiss on the forehead and just stood by grandma, rubbing her back. It was hard to look at grandpa and see all these tubes coming out of him and him just laying there. So I just prayed. I prayed that God would give the doctor's wisdom, that he would heal grandpa. I prayed that He would give me the words to say. While I was in the room, grandpa was acting like his old self. He is not a man of many words, but when he does talk, he brings a smile on my face and makes me laugh.
I know that people go through things like this all the time. I know people get old and it's just a part of life. I know people die every day. I know that he is still alive and that things are ok for the time being. I know that it could have been more serious. I also know that this could have ended in a very different way. But he is my grandpa, my mom's dad, my children's great-grandpa. If you know anything about me, you know that family means everything to me. I know that a lot of people aren't too close to their grandparents, but I am very close to my grandparents. If my mom wasn't with my grandpa today, he could possible not be with us.
Here is where we at now. They put a stint in his artery. 2 arteries are 100% closed and another that was 90%, which they opened up. They will put in a pacemaker tomorrow morning around 7:30 am.
So this I ask from you, please pray that God's will be done throughout this whole process. I know that my grandpa has asked Jesus to be his Savior and he will be going to heaven, but I hope that is not right now. I want and need more time with him. Please pray for wisdom on the doctor's part and that He will guide the doctor's hands in surgery. Please pray for strength for my grandma and mom.