Pray

Tonight I come to you prayer. The last time I wrote I was encouraged and thought we were on the upside with the whole Hayden/preschool thing. I couldn't have been more wrong. It has gotten out of control. It has come to us having to literally wrestle her in the mornings to get her dressed. Today she tore her shirt. I had to sit on her and hold her arms down so she wouldn't hit and get her pants on. People, this is not just a "not morning person" problem. The look in her eyes and the strength that she has during these times is unreal. It's scary.
When we get to school I have to constrain her and carry her in. The other day as soon as I let her down she bolted screaming at the top of her lungs. People look at her and think, "man, she needs a good spanking." I brought her home today instead of leaving her at school. I can't do it anymore. It's been a month.
When I talked to the director she mentioned that the other day while she was holding Hayden trying to calm her down that she was shaking very badly. She said this goes further than just "getting used to school."
It goes so much deeper and we are at a loss. I have no idea where this anxiety has come from, but I am telling you...no 4 year old should have this much anxiety over preschool. I don't know where this fear is coming from.
As a parent, this is unbelievably hard to watch your child go through. I have NO idea where to go from here. I don't know how to help her. We talk it through, but it just gets her all worked up.The mention of school make her go into some ballistic fit.
It has not branched out to Sunday School, Bible study, and even just when Nic and I go out tto eat by ourselves. We have to come home early because she just doesn't settle down. She just keeps asking if I am coming back. Last night I went to go work out and I put the kids in the little nursery thing like I always do...Hayden went into panick mode and literally would not let go of me. The worker had to hold her while I walked out of the room. I was early so I sat outside of the room on a bench and listened to her scream for 10 minutes. A couple sitting next to me started talking about her and how the worker was probably losing her mind. I got up and went in to get my kids and left. I am TIRED of the people watching and judging through this whole thing. They have absolutely NO idea what this little girl is going through. It is not just some bratty kid throwing a fit.
It's to the point where I am just worn out emotionally and physically. It has worn Nic and I to the bone and we need help so we can help her.
It tears me apart watching my daughter like this. I just want to be able to tell her it is ok. She doesn't have to worry. But I dont know how to get her to believe me.
I called a friend today to see if she knew someone that could be of help...someone who could help us help her and getthis figured out. She is too young to have anxiety like this.
Please pray for wisdom for NIc and I and peace for my baby girl. We need an answer.

Answered Prayer

For those of you that have been praying for Hayden, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Hayden didn't go to school yesterday (Monday) due to being sick, but she went today. She cried this morning when I woke her up. I just kept praying and praying that God would comfort her and give her  peace. One of my friends suggested giving her a watch and setting a timer on it. I did just that. She calmed down the second I put it on her writst. I told her that she was going to eat breakfast, play, make a project, eat lunch, and then I would be there. I of course set the timer later just in case I was running late. She told me on the way there that she just didn't want to stay so long. I promised her she wasn't going to stay all day. She was good with that.
She cried just a little when I left but nothing like last week. When I picked her up, she ran to me and gave me a great big hug. When I aked about her day, she told me she played with "Befany." She said she had a good day! I can't tell you how happy that made my heart!
I have only heard her say she didn't want to go to school once tonight and that was while she was talking to Bubby. No tears!!! What a relief! I just think that full day is too much for her right now.

Also, sidenote- Usually after devotions at night, Nic or I will pray with the kids. Tonight, Hayden took charge. Her prayer-"Dear Jesus, thank you for this day. Thank you for mommy, daddy, Bubby, Easton, and all of our family. Amen." Later on, she told me she forgot to pray for something...so she started again-"Dear Jesus, thank you for Gramma, Poppy, Krissy, Sarah, and all of her friends. I just really love Hannah. Amen."
Seriously...heart completely melted.
She is one precious girl.
One more quote from Colt and then I am going to get off here and cuddle with my girl. As I was hugging Colt goodbye (he went to a basketball game with Nic), I said, "Have fun Buddy! I will miss you!" He hugged me back and said, "Don't worry, mom! I'll come back!"
Alright, goodnight!!!

Preschool Blues

This week has been one of the most challenging weeks since becoming a parent. As I mentioned last week, Hayden started preschool. She loved it...last week.

This week was a total diffferent story. Because of starting to sub, I had her go all day Monday to get used to it and because I was available if need be. I wanted to test it out. Bad idea. From Monday evening until Wednesday evening she cried. She whined. She begged not to go back. NONSTOP. Everyone told me to expect this and that it is completely normal. So I didn't think much of it. However, the crying didn't just start in the morning and end. The teacher said she cried several times during the day and at one point she had to go to the office because she was crying so loudly she was being disruptive. Then she would continue the crying all through the evening and until she fell asleep at night. I would have to peel her off me in the morning and had to leave her just crying. She kept saying, "I don't want to go to school. Please don't make me go. Are you coming back?" And she would repeat that for HOURS. I am not exaggerating...ask my mom. No matter what I said or did, she would just repeat herself. I know that her teacher is just amazing and I know that they care so much for her. It isn't like they are being mean or she is being punished. It has completely broken my heart to see my daughter like this. I finally asked her on Wednesday why she didn't want to go. She said, "I am afraid you aren't coming back. I don't want you to go to work. I want you to stay home with me and we can be together. I worry about you." Talk about being speechless. Now, I could understand if I had forgotten her somewhere at sometime or have been late, but that isn't the case. I have never forgotten her anywhere. 

I don't understand. I mean, I know this is new to her. It is a very big change. I thought I was doing the right thing. She loved it so much last week. I know that some days will be difficult and I know that there will be days that there will be a little bit of fighting over going. I remember that from teaching. But I never imagined it would be like this. This isn't normal. It isn't normal that a 4 year old would cry day and night just about preschool. That's all she thinks about.  I worked last year, but she was always with family or someone else that was at our house. 

Do I give it more time? Should we just do half day? This is a lot for her. I don't want to traumatize her. Have I mentioned being a parent is hard? 

It just kills me to see her SO upset. It is heartbreaking. Has anyone else had to go through this? 

Easton is 5 Months

(First of all, I want to apologize for the pictures...I am still learning my ipad...apparently not quick enough)

Dear Easton,
Today marks 5 whole months since you have been born. Every day you are growing and melting my heart like a puddle.

We are pretty much attached to each other...where I go, you go. I just can't get enough of you. Every time I look into your beg brown beautiful eyes, I can't help but thank God for giving you to me. You continue to steal my heart every single day.

This month has been a big month for you. You are talking so much! You love your bouncer and your little Boppy seat. You love pulling things to your mouth and chewing on them. You also are SO close to rolling over. That arm just gets in the way. You have been taking a bottle like a champ. You are still nursing 95% of the time but I will be subbing this semester so I need to make sure you will take a bottle when you need to. You are also very close to sitting on your own. You love to be rocked. The song "Jesus Loves Me" calms you down every time. You absolutely adore your big brother and sister. And they adore you. You just watch them. I can't wait until you can join them!

You still aren't too fond of the bath tub or being left on your back for too long.
Since your sister has started preschool, you have been on a great schedule. You are now napping two times a day- 9:30 and 1:00. You sleep about an hour and a half at a time. Night time is a different story. But it is getting better.
You are such happy little boy. Your smile is unbelievably adorable with those little dimples. You are quite the flirt. Your personality is just precious and so sweet.
I didn't know it was possible to love you kids as much as I do. I will always love you.
Love you sweet boy,
Your Mommy

Interesting Start to the New Year

We are coming to the end of the week. What a LONG week. Not only was it Hayden's first week of preschool, I was missing my partner in crime...he was/is down from the flu. Monday night was the ND championship game. We had many people over. Before the end of the game, Nic was throwing up in the bathroom...and no it wasn't because of alcohol.
Luckily, most of our company had left at half time. The rest of the night was downhill from there. Then the longest night started...fever, chills, and throwing up every 30 minutes until the sun came up. I felt SO bad for Nic. For the next couple of days he stayed in our room...the rest of us staying in the family room. He finally went to the doctor today. He tested positive for influenza...duh! He isn't supposed to return to work until Monday. The good news is he isn't throwing up anymore...but he is still fighting fevers every once in awhile.
I just keep praying that the rest of us stay healthy. We are going on about a month of sickness between Nic and the kids. Not cool:) I keep praying that God would allow the sickness to skip over me as well. The mom takes care of the kids when they are sick and the husband when he is sick...but who takes care of the mom??
Needless to say it has been one challenging week without my other half. Got a little dose of what being a single mother is like. I'm tired.
However, now that Hayden is in school, we have started getting a routine down. Since I haven't gotten called to sub yet, I have been picking up Hayden after her lunch time. I miss her during the day...but Colt is loving having free reign of the house. He has no one to bother and terrorize. Ha.
Here is what are days have been looking like:
-I wake up and get ready around 6:45
-I start waking Hayden up around 7...which is a challenge in and of itself. I have to take it slow with her...she isn't quite the morning person.
-Leave the house around 7:30 so she is at school by 8 for breakfast
- Come home, get the baby and Colton dressed and fed.
-Play
-Lay Easton down for a morning nap (he is finally napping in the crib)
-Get the laundry going, do dishes, and pick up
-Play some more
-Leave the house around 11:30 to pick Hayden up after her lunch
-Come home and feed the boys
-Put all the kids down for a nap
-fight with all the kids to nap
-after an hour of going in and out of rooms, kids are finally all asleep
-Play with kids...and feed Easton
-Get dinner ready
-Eat dinner
-Clean up from dinner
-Get kids in the bath
-Do devotions
-Watch one episode of Mickey Mouse
-Start getting the kids in bed
-Feed Easton
-Fold laundry
-Sit down FINALLY
-Watch my recorded TV shows:)
-Drift off to sleep
Oh, and in between each point add in Check on Nic.
I know things will look different when I sub...but it's a start. The boys will be with my mom so at least they are starting to get into a little bit of a routine and Hayden will stay at school throughout the day until I am done working.
She is loving preschool. She keeps talking about her friend, Bethany. She keeps asking to go to her house:) Every time I pick her up she has a HUGE smile on her face and can't wait to show me what she has made that day. I keep telling my mom and Nic how weird it is to walk in and see her listening to a book being read, finishing her lunch, or skipping around the corner after putting her paper in her cubby. She just looks so grown up. Sometimes just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. Her teacher keeps telling me how well she is doing and how sweet she is...makes my heart proud. I love her to pieces.
Ok, well since everyone is finally asleep, I need to get some sleep myself. If this doesn't make sense or seems all over the place...I blame it on the lack of sleep:)
Night y'all!

Hayden starts Pre-School

Today my baby girl started her first day of preschool. That's right, my little 4 year old is old enough to be in PRE-SCHOOL. How is that?? It snuck up on me that's for sure!
Nic and I started looking at preschools a couple months ago because we decided that it would be good for Hayden to be around kids her own age and to start getting the feel of a school setting. I didn't want to start her at the beginning of the school year because I simply felt she wasn't ready...or maybe I wasn't ready? Anyways, we decided that I would be subbing this semester and she seemed like she was mature enough to go to preschool. She was ready for a routine.
We found a wonderful preschool, Brennamen. It is at a church. I absolutely loved the director when I met her and I knew right away we were making the right decision. I was very impressed how the whole preschool was run and I knew Hayden would do great and excel.
It was a bittersweet couple of weeks leading up to the big day. I knew Hayden would love it and I knew it was what she needed, but I also was dreading it because, well, she is my baby. What was I going to do without her? Would she make friends? Would she fit in? What if she needed me?
Well, all of those questions were put to the way side when I picked her up. Turns out she didn't need me...and she fit in just fine.
I was surprised I didn't ball my eyes out when I left her. I think it is because I felt so comfortable and knew she was a in great hands. Because I didn't sub today and it was her first day, I decided to pick her up after she ate lunch. I swear I looked at the clock every 10 minutes from the time I dropped her off until the time I picked her up. Ha!
When I picked her up she was still eating lunch. It was so weird walking in and seeing her sitting with other kids her age eating away. All of the sudden it made her look so big and old. Kinda hard to swallow.
Her teacher showed me her classroom and where her little cubby was. She then showed me the snowflake Hayden had made. Wow...my little girl was in school.
I believe she had a good day...she told me about her food and about playing with bouncy balls. She seemed tired though. Bless her heart. I hope to hear more when she is rested!
All I know is it is hard to let go...even for preschool. She still needs me right?!

 When I woke her up to get her dressed she told me she had to wear her Irish shirt because of the game tonight:)