I can't tell you how many times I wanted to sit down and just pour out my heart. But I couldn't. The words wouldn't come to me. My thoughts have been all over the place, much of how this post will be...simply because I don't know how to process it. The truth is, I still don't know how to make sense of what has happened. I don't know how to accept it and deal with it. It's been two days now since the horrific shooting in Connecticut. Every second of those two days I have been reminded of how precious life is. How short it is. How unexpected it is. How fragile it is. Every second I have wanted to just simply cry. Cry for the families that lost their precious babies. Cry for the families that lost their spouse. Cry for our nation.
I keep thinking about the morning before it happened. How those kids woke up, got ready for school, ate breakfast, maybe had a fight with their sibling. They probably hugged their mom and dad, gave them a kiss. They didn't know it would be the last time they would get to do that. Those poor parents didn't know it would be the last time they saw their little babies or hold them in their arms. Why did it have to be little children? Why did it have to be 11 days before Christmas? Why did it have to happen at all?
I am angry at the soul-less, evil man that walked into that school and ended the lives of 20 precious, innocent babies. They were just babies. They couldn't protect themselves. All they could do was cry for their mommas. Why would a human do that? I hate him for what he did. But that doesn't help anything.
When I first heard about what happened, I wept. I wept out loud. I wept for the families involved. I wept because that's all I could do. I wept for my own babies. I wept because of the evil. It was the kind of weeping where I couldn't breathe. I wept because a child shouldn't have to be afraid to go to school. School is supposed to be a safe haven for children.
Hayden asked why I was crying. I didn't know what to tell her or how much to tell her. She is just a baby herself. I didn't want to take her innocence away. I didn't want to scare her. However, I underestimated how much she could understand. She asked questions. I answered to best of my "mom" ability. She was worried about her friends that are in school. She wanted to make sure they were ok. She heard a reporter on TV and her name was Hannah. Hayden started crying when she heard Hannah's name because she thought the bad man hurt her best friend. I turned off the TV. I didn't even know she was paying attention to the TV. I didn't know. Why would a young child have to worry about such a thing?
One of the people that died that day was a young teacher my age. Her name was Victoria. From what I understand, she hid her students in closets and cabinets. When the gunman came to her room she had told him the kids were at gym. He shot her and left. What love she had for those children. I keep thinking to myself, "would I have been able to be that brave?" I don't know. I do know that when you are a teacher, you love those children like they are your own. You will do anything for those precious babies. That's what she did. She protected them.
That day I held my own babies. I held them tight. When Hayden wanted to crawl into bed with us, I let her. There were 20 families that wouldn't be able to cuddle with their child that night. I watched Colton and Hayden dance to the band music at the basketball game that very night. I listened to their giggles and their loud shouts. I thanked God I was able to do so.
I have read many things on facebook and listened to the news to try to make sense of this act of evil. I have read blogs looking for some kind of encouragement. I have prayed constantly begging God to give peace.
I know there are people that are angry with God. Wondering how a "loving" God could allow such evil. To be honest, I wanted to be angry at Him. But I couldn't. I wish I could give verses and encouragement in this post. I wish I could tell you why He allowed it. But I can't. But I can tell you that he is our only Hope. I am praying more than ever that His return is soon. Because I do know that in heaven, there is no evil, no fears, no tears, no pain.
This morning I was laying in bed, drifting in and out of sleep. I don't know if I was fully asleep or what, but I had a vision in my mind. Jesus was sitting in a chair, with a child on each knee and a book in his hand. Victoria (there was a picture of her that I had seen) was sitting on the floor with 7 other adults who I couldn't see their faces. Each adult had 2 children on their laps. Victoria also had two other children leaning against her. Now, I don't know if those adults were Christians. But I do know that each child had a smile on their face. They were safe. They were happy. They were with Jesus. I know many of you that read this don't believe in Jesus...don't believe in Heaven. But I have to hold on to that hope that those children are with Him. I have to. It's the only way that I can go on living...to know there is a God and to know that someday I will be in heaven with Him.
So today I pray. I pray that God will wrap those families so tightly in His arms, including the police officers and every person that was involved that day. I pray that somehow they will have a peace, knowing that their babies are with Jesus, because I believe that's where they are. I pray that God will guide them and comfort them. I pray because it's all I can do.
It's weird. I feel like these words can't capture everything that truly happened that day. Maybe because I wasn't involved. Maybe because my babies are still here with me. I want to scream out that it's not fair that it had to be children. Maybe it's because I can't possibly come close to understanding what it is like to lose a child in that kind of circumstance. I remember and live with the pain of losing a child to miscarriage. I am not going to downplay that kind of pain, but it can't even come close to the pain of losing a child that you have raised for 6 or 7 years. When I look into the eyes of my own children, I can't even come close to explaining the love I have for them...the kind of love every mother has for the children. But I can tell you that it is a kind of love that hurts to your very core thinking of anything bad happening to them. My heart hurts for those mothers and fathers.
Jesus, we need you. We need you now more than ever.
I apologize that there was no order to this post. It's just my heart speaking...trying to make sense of this world we live in.
All I can do is hold my children and love them and thank God that I have this day with them.
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