Whatever is TRUE...think about such things...

Tonight is a hard night for me. Not because my children are being a handful, or because I am stressed, but because right now my heart is heavy. I knew this next phase of life with going back to work would be difficult. I knew I would go through times of questioning. Tonight is one of those nights. Please allow me to be completely raw right now. It is not pity party, but an open heart. 

For the past week, Hayden has been having accidents after I get home from work. She has been having about 2 a night. She was completely trained when I started work, and now I can barely keep her dry. She doesn't have any accidents during the day...only when I get home. I know that there are going to be struggles with each of us and dealing with those is going to be heard. But I am to the point where I feel like life is a little much right now. 

My house is a mess.

I am tired.

The laundry is stacked up.

I know that there are millions of working moms that have their routine down pat and make everything work...but right now I am struggling to find that balance. All I want to do when I get home from work is be with the kids...but then I look around and notice all the house duties that are not done. I start to clean dishes or start doing laundry. Then by the time night comes I wonder if I spent enough time with my children. I want to make every moment with my children count and my biggest fear is failing them. 

Although it is sometimes hard to hear all about the things my friends that are SAHMs are doing with their children throughout the day or where they go, I can't help but wonder if I am failing my own children by not being there with them during the day. I am not able to take them to play dates, MOPS, Bible Study, out to lunch, or wherever. Will they wonder why when they get older? Are they missing out on these things?

I am finding myself on my knees in prayer more now than ever asking God to give me wisdom and strength through this transition. I love my job and know I am there for a purpose, but my heart is at home with my babies. I am asking for your prayers. 

I am sitting here right now holding Hayden, even though she should be in bed right now. As I was writing earlier (above), my mind kept going to Philipians 4:6-9. This verse has had a significant impact on my life over the past couple of years, so it doesn't surprise me that it is coming to me now:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

This is my prayer.