Honesty

Alright folks, here it is...I am joining Lindsay on her journey of being honest. We are doing a Bible Study as a church called Seeking Him. Each week we are learning what is needed for a total spiritual revival. Last week was humility...this week honesty. I sit through church each week completely convicted. I am a prideful person. I want people to see me in a good light. I try to lead myself to believe that I can do things on my own. That I don't need anyone's help. I debated with myself for a little bit on whether or not I was ready to be that vulnerable to people that might read this. But I know I need to let go of my pride. It's not going to be pretty people...at all. But I thought maybe, just maybe, through this journey I could be of some encouragement, somehow, to another momma out there....letting them know they are not alone. Because the truth is, I feel like sometimes I am the only one that hasn't found the secret to motherhood...or to life for that matter.

So here it goes...

I am tired.

I am weary.

I am grouchy.

I didn't know there wasn't any toilet paper in the bathroom before I went in.

I couldn't get the kids to stay in bed tonight. 

I stepped on a stupid army man that I am pretty sure that I have picked up at least 4 times today.

The dog puked a half of loaf of bread whole.

Easton cried most of the day.

There is laundry covering my kitchen table and the kitchen hutch.

While I was laying in bed thinking I was going to get a nap, Colt and Hayden were in his room beating the crap out of each other while I thought they were sleeping. (don't worry...no one was hurt...this time)

There are toys EVERYWHERE.

I still haven't cleaned up the mess Easton made when he got out of his crib and decided to empty every drawer in Hayden's room. 

There are stink bugs invading our house.

I found 3 full diapers in the baby's room that I didn't know were there...and couldn't find when he kept walking out of the room NAKED. 

I forgot to brush my teeth today. 

I feel like I am losing control of Colton. And yes, I know he is all boy and I know he just has a lot of energy. 

I found out this week that my son has been sneaking an ipod into school 2 days in a row and I didn't even notice.

I opened Colton's lunchbox today to find that he didn't throw away any of the trash away and his drink had leaked so there was a goldfish paste covering the whole inside of his lunchbox.

I can't remember if I showered yesterday or Friday. 

My daughter still sleeps on the floor in our room.

I cooked for the first time in two weeks today.

I fed my kids cereal for dinner tonight. 

I yelled at Hayden A LOT today.

I gave Easton Benedryl before bed.

I have this overwhelming fear that I am in someway failing my kids, my husband and my students.

As Lindsay put it perfectly, "This is my life. Real, messy, crazy, sometimes ugly life."

Do I tell you this to feel sorry for me? NO. I am simply being honest with myself and to you that I do not have it all together. AT ALL. Some of you might even think, "man, that Tori girl is a hot mess." I know, that really is no surprise to those that know me well. But I wanted to share this because I have learned something this week. 

I learned that I don't have to have it all together...which I knew but somehow was trying to let myself believe that sometimes I do. I don't have to be the perfect wife, teacher, mom, or daughter. I can't be. I make mistakes. Daily. I also learned this-- I can't do this life alone. I need God. I need Him desperately. I need him to guide me every single day...to take me by the hand and show me how to live this life He gave me. I need Him to breathe truth and wisdom into me. I need Him to pour out His mercy on me. I need Him. I HAVE to lay down my pride and realize I am NOTHING without Him. Even when I think I can handle whatever life throws at me and I don't need help...I do. I need His strength. 

Then I remember that I serve a faithful God. A God that will not leave me. A God that forgives and a God that loves me. He loves me enough to let me fall on my face so I will realize it isn't my own strength that I lean on. I serve a God that gives me the energy and grace I need to face the day in front of me.

Ok, so that wasn't so bad...

Summer so far...

Here we are a couple weeks into summer and I already feel like it has slipped away in a blink of an eye...I guess that's the way it goes:)
In the last couple weeks, Hayden has learned how to tie her shoes and ride her bike without training wheels. Wha?! All within a day of each other. It really hit me when we were at the T-ball game and Hayden was running out in the field and I asked if she needed me to tie her shoe. She looked at me and said, "No, I can do it." And she did. And I wanted to shed a tear. She's growing up so incredibly fast I feel like I can't do anything about it. She has become my helper at home, cleaning the bathrooms and the dishes and even vacuuming without me asking. The other night I heard the vacuum cleaner and she told me, "I didn't want you to have to do it later tonight, so I'm doing it right now." That right there was precious.
Colt has also been changing quite a bit. He has always been my all-boy, no emotions-just matter-of-fact. Lately he has been showing such a soft, sensitive heart. Still all-boy, but man does he have a sweet spirit. He loves his Sissy very much...to the point that he ONLY wants to play catch with her at T-ball and is very protective of her. He wants so badly to be her best friend and do EVERYTHING she does. His feelings get hurt very easily lately. It breaks my heart sometimes to see what makes him upset.
Easton is still the easy going boy...so content with life and in his own little world. Although he is still our little tornado, he just smiles and life is just grand. And man, his smile...that will make anyone's heart melt. I have found with him, when he needs to be disciplined, all you have to do is look at him and he breaks down....so not like my other two:) I am pretty sure he is THE most cuddliest (is that a word?) in the world. And he will cuddle with ANYONE. He knows no stranger. For real.
This will be the third week for Summer School. I have been really enjoying it...I love still being connected to my students over the summer. I have also am all moved to my new classroom over at East. The kids have done an amazing job letting me get everything done. They have had their moments, but all in all everything has gone pretty smooth. I laugh because if I didn't have my three kids running around the classroom and getting out EVERY SINGLE thing, I could have had it all set up within 2 days:)
Nic has been staying busy with basketball and work. I am so proud of that man. He is on his way home right now from a weekend away at Indiana State for a tourney for the girls. He is doing great things for that program and I hope that the girls see his love for them as a coach and how much he believes in them.
All in all the summer is off to a great start...we leave for Hilton Head on Friday...FINALLY!!!! Don't worry, everything is already packed and waiting by the door:)

Bittersweet Ending to a Great School Year

Well, today marked the last day of my first year back to teaching. It was bittersweet. I am SO ready to just spend summer with my babies and my husband, but at the same time I had to say goodbye to 22 of my kids that I spent 173 days with. These kids have taught me so incredibly much this year...about compassion, understanding, love, patience, and so much more.

I will miss them terribly.

It is weird to look at my classroom right now. No kids' work hanging on the walls, no anchor charts hanging (or laying) around my room. Nothing on lockers. Nothing on bulletin boards. All the tables in the middle of the classroom. Nothing on my counters. Nothing in my "to do" bin.

I remember when I first entered this classroom for the first time. That overwhelming feeling of fear and excitement all rolled into one. I remember thinking, "how on earth am I going to decorate this room?" "Will the children like it?" "What kinds of things am I supposed to hang on the walls for a kindergarten classroom?"

You see, although I have taught 3 years previous to this year, it was in a total different environment. I had grown up in the halls of ECA. I knew the teachers. It was a comfort for me. My student teaching was done in a second grade classroom, so I knew what to expect going into my first year of teaching in second grade.

This time around it was a totally different ball game. I had 28 kids coming to me that first week. Three quarters knew NO English whatsoever. All they had ever known was Spanish. How was I supposed to teach to THAT many kids when they understood ZIPPO of what I was saying. Thankfully, another teacher, one who grew to be a great friend, saved us and we went down to 23 students. Throughout the year I had lost 3 students and then gained another 3 along the way.

I was sure that I had gotten in way over my head. Somedays I wanted to give up...felt that I was failing them. Maybe someone was more fit for my job. But I can tell you one thing right now...God knew that this was EXACTLY where I belonged. He knew that I needed those sweet children as much as I needed them. If I would have given up, I wouldn't have see those very same 6 year olds learn EVERY SINGLE letter and sound...some students knew 0 letters or sounds at the beginning of the year. I wouldn't have gotten to see these precious kiddos start putting sounds together to make words and eventually read a whole book by themselves. I wouldn't have been able to see them write sentence after sentence about what they were learning. I wouldn't have been able to watch each child interact with the others and grow into these amazing little people. I wouldn't have been able to watch the students who didn't speak English the first bit of school talk EXCESSIVELY in English to their friends. I wouldn't have been able to witness ANY of this if I would have given up...if I would have walked away...all because I was "scared" of failing them.

When you are in the midst of something like teaching, you sometimes wonder if it is all worth it. If what you are saying is being heard. If what you spend hours upon hours preparing for will even be accepted. Because you see, when you are a teacher, you are not only that...you are a mother at times, comforting a child that is having problems at home. You are a nurse, fixing up a scraped knee. You are a cleaning lady, cleaning up messes the CORRECT way when the students leave. You are a safe place.   In the end, you find that all those tears that were shed during the school year were worth it. Every single tear.

I also learned that it is ok to mess up. I have learned forgiveness from my students. I have learned that sometimes, as a teacher, you don't always have the answers. I have learned that sometimes life is messy for these innocent children and sometimes you can't do a darn thing about it. I learned that students come, and students go. You miss the ones that leave, and you pray that wherever they go, they are protected and loved, and you gain another child to your life when a new student walks through your doors. I have learned that it is ok to just be honest with my kids. I don't have to "pretend" to be ok 100% of the time. I have learned that it is ALL about the children...not a competition between co-workers...who has the best readers, or the cutest decorations, or who has the best writers. It is about those 22 individuals that you look at in the eyes every single day and pour your heart into them, teaching them...math, writing, reading, calendar, social skills, life.

Yes, I think I will keep my job....for a LONG time...but now I know why teachers get summers off...for the mental stability:)

Now it's time to put all my attention onto my family. Let the summer begin.

End of the School Year

Here we are, heading into the last week of school for the year for this year. In a sense, it has seemed like the LONGEST year ever, partly to the extremely long winter, adding of school days, and adding an hour onto each day for the last 2 months. In another sense, my first year back to teaching is already almost over. Now that's hard to believe.
I am thankful for this year, though. Thankful where it has lead me and how it has shaped me. I almost feel a sense of pride for knowing that I CAN be a full time working mother, a wife, and a teacher all at the same time. But then that pride is crushed when I realize how many times I have failed this year miserably at all three:) It has been a learning experience for sure. Some days I felt pretty good about how I was balancing all of life....others I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide...feeling like I just couldn't do it all.
I can tell you that I am extremely thankful for Nic. He has been an incredible husband and father, picking up my slack...bathing the kids, making dinner, taking children to practice with him, letting me sleep in, doing laundry, cleaning the house. Yes, he has been wonderful.
I am just looking really forward to this summer...recharging, just being with my kids and focusing on them and Nic with all my energy as well. I will be teaching Summer School but it is one day a week for 7 weeks.
Here are some things that have been going on these last couple months:
*Colton and Hayden have started T-ball at Osolo Little League and are on the same team. Hayden is number 5 and Colt 2. They are loving it. Colton is like a magnet to the ball. No matter what position he is playing, he runs after the ball each time and 95% of that time he gets the ball. They both have been hitting without the tee, so that has been fun watching them.
*At the beginning of May, ECA had their annual auction. My dad ended up buying us a German Shepard puppy who was 5 weeks old. The owner suggested taking her home for one more week so she could ween the baby from the momma. So, that next Friday, Nic picked her up and brought her home to live with us. It has been quite the 3 weeks, but she is doing really well. Her name is Samantha. Obviously, the children fell in love with her right away. We are still working on the non stop nipping, but she is starting to sleep through the night and does great staying with us in the yard. She is precious, that's for sure.
*Having a puppy means potty training the puppy. Well, apparently, Colt thought he would help out with this process by showing her how to do it. So, he has now taken to peeing in the yard as well. Seriously?? Well, the other day I was in the bathroom getting Easton ready and Colt came in. He was butt naked....with poop everywhere...on his feet, legs, butt, stomach, and even on his face. I wanted to throw up. After the initial shock and gagging, he had explained that he pooped outside. like the dog. In the rocks. Disgusting.
*Nic had this past week off from work. His relaxing turned into taking care of a sick little boy for one of the days. Colt came home from the sitter on Wednesday, crawled up on the couch and fell asleep. He slept until 8 the next morning. I tried several times to wake him up. Around 6 we noticed his cheeks a red we have never seen before...so we took his temp. 103. Not exactly the numbers you want to see on a thermometer. It took A LONG time to get it down to around 100 and I made Nic sleep with him to make sure he was ok. When he woke up the next morning, he was complaining of his right side hurting. Nic took him to the doctor and they tested him for strep, UTI, and checked his appendix. All ok. Apparently there is a virus going around and it knocks you down for about 24 hours. He is still not acting quite himself but at least he is active.
*Hayden's last day of preschool is tomorrow. Enough said.
*Nic and I joined a Life Group at our church at the beginning of the school year and man has it been a blessing. Every day I wake up and can't believe where God has led us in our marriage and in our family. He is a faithful God. And I thank Him for His mercy, love, and forgiveness every day. We serve a might God, my friends.
*Easton...what can I say. He has sure grown into his little personality. And man, is he a FLIRT. He is the sweetest little boy. When he smiles, he has 2 little dimples that just melt me...every time...even when it's a smile because he has completely emptied his plate on the floor. He does try to keep up with Hayden and Colton and is now standing up for himself. He makes me laugh every day and just gives me so much joy. He still isn't really talking...but does say "ouchhhhh," "duck," "doggie," and of course "dad," and "no." Still no mom. Blah.

Well, the Bachelorette is on so I must get going:)

January's Welcome with a Blizzard

It's a new year...and for that I am thankful! This year has already had quite an exciting beginning. We started off with a blizzard that made us go into a State of Emergency- which means our Christmas vacation has been extended! Woo hoo! I absolutely love being snowed in with my family (so far close to 2 feet of snow)...for the most part:) The kids can get a little restless...but hey...that's ok!

I am actually not really ready to go back to work. At times I think I am (like when the older two kids are yelling at each other and the baby cries every single time he is put down), but then I think about this special time that I have with my precious babes that I haven't had since going back to work. These past 2 weeks have been such a gift. Nic has also had the last 2 weeks plus today off, which has made it all the better. This is why I'm not ready to go back to "normal"...the late night games, practices, trainings, meetings, being absolutely exhausted, waking the kids up at the butt crack of dawn to make sure they are all ready for the day, whisking them off to their designated places. BUT, I will do it with a grateful heart:)

Yes, the day here, during break, have been filled with playing in the snow, baking, Nic cooking--A LOT, lots of cuddles, movie nights, playing with new toys, and more cuddling. Nic and I have also been in the process of re-doing our room...which has been a lot of fun to do together. Such a difference. No more dark chocolate brown walls!

Since we have been home for most of the break, I have had time to just reflect. Time to reflect on the circumstances over the past year, time to reflect on God's beauty from ashes, time to reflect on God's mercy. Time to reflect on lessons learned and how thankful I am for God's guidance, wisdom, and protective hand.

As for this new year, I can't help but smile...thinking about how God is going to guide us as a family and strengthen us.

Playing Catch Up

A lot has changed over the last few months here at the Minder household. Hayden started Preschool at ECA, Easton turned one, Nic hurt his leg...thought he would lose his job because of it, I started teaching again, and Colt...he is still Colt:)
Hayden has done SO incredibly well adjusting to all day preschool. After what we went through last year I was terrified for this new chapter. I was nervous. But she absolutely loves school, even though apparently she doesn't talk...at all...in class. She sure does talk about it at home though! It brings me absolute joy to hear her talk about her teachers, her friends, what she is learning. She is thriving and I am thankful for it.
I have started teaching Kindergarten at Concord and feel absolutely blessed where God has placed me. Don't get me wrong, the transition from staying home with my babies for 3 years to full time kindergarten has been shaky at times, but I love it. The staff that I am surrounded with is amazing. I do have to catch myself saying to my kindergarteners "You need to listen to mommy" and saying to my own children "if you don't stop, I am going to change your clip." Life has sure been interesting. I am sure it will take time to get used to all these changes. Being a working mom isn't quite as bad when you love your job.
Nic has stepped up totally and has been Mr. Mom and actually a better housewife than I was. My house has never been more clean than it is right at this second and our cabinets actually have food in them...ha.

I'm Back in Action

Well, I am back. I've missed this thing a lot...the therapy of blogging. Some of you may ask where I have been. The truth is these past few months have been the hardest months of my life. I haven't blogged because I didn't want to look back and see that those months were a whole bunch of fake posts with smiles and "good" memories. Maybe one day I will be strong enough to tell our story and how we have come through it by God's grace. Maybe God will be able to use our story someday to encourage others.  I would like to share, however, a few things that I have learned over the last months and even the past year and a half.
*God is faithful. He is not human. When I have thought there is absolutely no person on this planet I could place my trust in, He has shown himself to me in a very personal way.
*God gives me the strength I need for each day. If you would have told me 2 years ago that I would be going through what we have been through, I would have said there is absolutely no way I could be strong enough. But I was wrong. That whole saying "God does not give you more than you can handle" has made me laugh more than once. Just when I though I couldn't handle much more, God proved me wrong....a number of times.
*God's love is a powerful love. He does not give up on His children. He will do whatever it takes to get our attention and bring us back to Him.
*Forgiveness...a word that I never understood completely until this time of my life. Actually, I still don't completely understand...but I am getting there. Forgiveness is a powerful thing...more powerful than I could imagine. "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." I still don't have the words to describe the power of God when it comes to forgiveness. He doesn't necessarily let me completely forget everything, but somehow He has given me the strength to press on and strive to live a Godly life. I fail daily, but he is a gracious God. I do know there is no way on this green earth I could have gone through this trial without God's hand guiding me.
*God's peace is a very powerful thing.
*I am thankful for Godly guidance and counsel.
*Trust my instincts. That's all I am going to say about that right now. I have lost a lot of trust and belief in people. Sometimes the people that you think have the best interest in you are actually the people that have the most power to hurt you the most.
These are just a few things. But I did want to jot down some verses that have never been so close to my heart as they are now.
*Phil. 4:6-9
          Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. 
*Colossians 3
       Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things...put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. 
      Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks in God the Father through him. 
*James 1:2, 19
         Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
        My dear brothers, take not of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. 
*Ephesians 4:26, 29-32
       In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
       Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, foriving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. 
*2 Cor. 7: 10
       Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. 
I do know one thing, although I pray with my whole heart none of my children will have to go through the trials that we are going through now, I am thankful for a God that can do more than I could ever imagine. I would never want to relive the feelings and the moments of the past year and a half, but without those trials, I wouldn't be the person I am today and I would not have experienced God in a very personal and powerful way. I have felt His protection. There was a time I sat with my sister in a restaurant wondering if the tears would ever stop flowing. I wondered what I had done so wrong to deserve the trials that I had to walk through. I wondered if my prayers were ever heard. I wondered if I would ever be able to trust again. I wondered if the pain in my heart and the sleepless nights would ever stop. I wondered if there were any decent people in the world. I wondered when the questions would stop haunting me.
But I can tell you one thing. The wondering has stopped. By God's grace, I have stopped the wondering. By God's grace, He has allowed our family to start growing again and healing. By God's grace, He has brought us back into His blessings. Don't get me wrong, I had my screaming matches with God and times of wrestling with Him. I have hated Him at times. But yet He won't let me go. And for that, I am thankful.
One last thing, God sees and hears all. Your sins will find you out. The consequences suck. Some think they can hide things forever.