Honesty Day 2

I have started this post over and over and feel like I can't find the right way to say this in a nice way. This is probably the part of me that I hate the most. It is the part of me that I struggle with on a daily basis. So I will just say it. (and can I just say this honesty stuff is kind of hard?)

I am a yeller.

I yell a lot. 

I yell at my kids, I yell at my husband, I yell at the dog...I even yellow at the stupid raccoon that keeps getting in our trash. I yell.

And I hate it.

What causes me to react in such a way?

It might be because I just told my son to watch the bowl full of cereal and milk and in that next second it is ALL over the floor. It might be because my other son has pooped in his diaper and then took it off to spread it all over the floor. It might be because my daughter wakes up in the middle of the night and screams and screams because she wants IN the bed with us and I won't let her so she wakes up everyone. It might be because I JUST told the older kids to stop play fighting because someone is going to get hurt...and in the very next breath my son punches my daughter right in the mouth and blood is everywhere. It might even be because I am tired and the fighting and the bickering and the HIGH PITCH screaming just got on my last nerve. 

There is no excuse to lose control and just yell.

You see, it's just the every day, normal "kid accidents" that set me off. And here is when I realized it ...I react when I feel like I have lost all control. Lately I have found myself wondering what the heck sets me off. 

I look around me at other mommas out there and I think to myself, "man, she has the patience of a saint. How does she stay so completely calm?" Yes, I know there are other yellers out there...but I'm wandering how to become one of those saints:)

And here is what I came to the conclusion of...I react to the ones I love the most when I feel like there is just too much on my plate and I cannot handle one more incident. I realized that when I am stressed with school or with my pages of to-do lists that that's when I lose it...I think that maybe if I yell, it will make me feel better...and unfortunately it is my child on the receiving end. And then I am left staring in the startled face of my precious child. And it makes me feel like dirt. It makes me sick to my stomach to have caused the tears in my children's eyes. I hate it. 

I don't want to be that mom. I don't want to be a yeller. I want to be different than that. I don't want my kids to fear me when they need help but are afraid of getting in trouble. I want to be able to help my child and teach them the correct way to respond to different situations. I want to show them grace. I want to simply explain why their behavior is wrong instead of just yelling at them to stop.

I want to change. I want to become a safe haven for my children to come to and know that it is OK to make mistakes...because I make them every single stinkin' day. It's a daily battle.

There you have it...the part that I am most shameful of. Bleh...