Reality

It's late. Everyone is sleeping...except me...as usual. I was just messing around on Facebook and saw where a little boy just died of cancer...I didn't know him...but I have been praying for him for months.

As I was reading his CaringBridge sight that his parents write in, I had Wings playing in the background. For those of you who don't know, Wings is a 1990's comedy show. And then it hit me. I don't like the real world at all. I believe that is why I drown myself in shows like Full House, I Love Lucy, Wings, and so on...they aren't real life. I don't want to believe in the bad that is in our world. It scares me...and makes me anxious beyond belief. I don't watch the news...although I know I should because I should know what the heck is going on. But I don't. Because I don't want to know. I can't watch scary movies...or reality TV (besides the Bachelor:)). This world is evil. And I feel that if I don't know about it, it isn't happening. Because if I do...if I watch those things, it consumes me and all I do is worry, which I know is also wrong. I read a lot. Because when I read, I don't have to think about the things going on in the world. I am wrapped up in pretend. If I don't think or know about what is going on, then it isn't happening. I know, ridiculous.
My husband will tell you this is truth. In his 7 years at the department, I could only handle about a dozen of his stories. The others he knew I couldn't handle. I just can't. My brother is on the Border Patrol. He knows not to tell me anything about it...so he calls Nic. I know this sounds stupid and ignorant, but that is just how I deal with things.
When something happens, I watch the reactions around me. Ever since I was a young girl, I would watch my mom and dad's reaction to something to see if I should be worried or not. I counted on them telling me "it will be all right" or "there is nothing to worry about." I don't know why but I did. I still do. I watch Nic's reaction to something. Sometimes I don't even know how to explain it. I watch the faces around me. If something is wrong, and it won't be ok...then I start to worry.
As an example, when I was pregnant, I would have several ultra sounds (because I am just paranoid). I would watch my dad's face the entire time for any hint of worry or hesitation. When I went in for an ultrasound on December 23, 2007, I could tell right away when something was wrong. Not from the ultra sound itself, but from my dad's face. And that is when I knew I lost my first baby.
So, I know this post probably doesn't make sense to you or you could care less, but I needed to write it out and process everything. It's something that I struggle with. I just don't like reality.
I have more to write but I hear the baby.