Honesty Day 2

I have started this post over and over and feel like I can't find the right way to say this in a nice way. This is probably the part of me that I hate the most. It is the part of me that I struggle with on a daily basis. So I will just say it. (and can I just say this honesty stuff is kind of hard?)

I am a yeller.

I yell a lot. 

I yell at my kids, I yell at my husband, I yell at the dog...I even yellow at the stupid raccoon that keeps getting in our trash. I yell.

And I hate it.

What causes me to react in such a way?

It might be because I just told my son to watch the bowl full of cereal and milk and in that next second it is ALL over the floor. It might be because my other son has pooped in his diaper and then took it off to spread it all over the floor. It might be because my daughter wakes up in the middle of the night and screams and screams because she wants IN the bed with us and I won't let her so she wakes up everyone. It might be because I JUST told the older kids to stop play fighting because someone is going to get hurt...and in the very next breath my son punches my daughter right in the mouth and blood is everywhere. It might even be because I am tired and the fighting and the bickering and the HIGH PITCH screaming just got on my last nerve. 

There is no excuse to lose control and just yell.

You see, it's just the every day, normal "kid accidents" that set me off. And here is when I realized it ...I react when I feel like I have lost all control. Lately I have found myself wondering what the heck sets me off. 

I look around me at other mommas out there and I think to myself, "man, she has the patience of a saint. How does she stay so completely calm?" Yes, I know there are other yellers out there...but I'm wandering how to become one of those saints:)

And here is what I came to the conclusion of...I react to the ones I love the most when I feel like there is just too much on my plate and I cannot handle one more incident. I realized that when I am stressed with school or with my pages of to-do lists that that's when I lose it...I think that maybe if I yell, it will make me feel better...and unfortunately it is my child on the receiving end. And then I am left staring in the startled face of my precious child. And it makes me feel like dirt. It makes me sick to my stomach to have caused the tears in my children's eyes. I hate it. 

I don't want to be that mom. I don't want to be a yeller. I want to be different than that. I don't want my kids to fear me when they need help but are afraid of getting in trouble. I want to be able to help my child and teach them the correct way to respond to different situations. I want to show them grace. I want to simply explain why their behavior is wrong instead of just yelling at them to stop.

I want to change. I want to become a safe haven for my children to come to and know that it is OK to make mistakes...because I make them every single stinkin' day. It's a daily battle.

There you have it...the part that I am most shameful of. Bleh...

Honesty

Alright folks, here it is...I am joining Lindsay on her journey of being honest. We are doing a Bible Study as a church called Seeking Him. Each week we are learning what is needed for a total spiritual revival. Last week was humility...this week honesty. I sit through church each week completely convicted. I am a prideful person. I want people to see me in a good light. I try to lead myself to believe that I can do things on my own. That I don't need anyone's help. I debated with myself for a little bit on whether or not I was ready to be that vulnerable to people that might read this. But I know I need to let go of my pride. It's not going to be pretty people...at all. But I thought maybe, just maybe, through this journey I could be of some encouragement, somehow, to another momma out there....letting them know they are not alone. Because the truth is, I feel like sometimes I am the only one that hasn't found the secret to motherhood...or to life for that matter.

So here it goes...

I am tired.

I am weary.

I am grouchy.

I didn't know there wasn't any toilet paper in the bathroom before I went in.

I couldn't get the kids to stay in bed tonight. 

I stepped on a stupid army man that I am pretty sure that I have picked up at least 4 times today.

The dog puked a half of loaf of bread whole.

Easton cried most of the day.

There is laundry covering my kitchen table and the kitchen hutch.

While I was laying in bed thinking I was going to get a nap, Colt and Hayden were in his room beating the crap out of each other while I thought they were sleeping. (don't worry...no one was hurt...this time)

There are toys EVERYWHERE.

I still haven't cleaned up the mess Easton made when he got out of his crib and decided to empty every drawer in Hayden's room. 

There are stink bugs invading our house.

I found 3 full diapers in the baby's room that I didn't know were there...and couldn't find when he kept walking out of the room NAKED. 

I forgot to brush my teeth today. 

I feel like I am losing control of Colton. And yes, I know he is all boy and I know he just has a lot of energy. 

I found out this week that my son has been sneaking an ipod into school 2 days in a row and I didn't even notice.

I opened Colton's lunchbox today to find that he didn't throw away any of the trash away and his drink had leaked so there was a goldfish paste covering the whole inside of his lunchbox.

I can't remember if I showered yesterday or Friday. 

My daughter still sleeps on the floor in our room.

I cooked for the first time in two weeks today.

I fed my kids cereal for dinner tonight. 

I yelled at Hayden A LOT today.

I gave Easton Benedryl before bed.

I have this overwhelming fear that I am in someway failing my kids, my husband and my students.

As Lindsay put it perfectly, "This is my life. Real, messy, crazy, sometimes ugly life."

Do I tell you this to feel sorry for me? NO. I am simply being honest with myself and to you that I do not have it all together. AT ALL. Some of you might even think, "man, that Tori girl is a hot mess." I know, that really is no surprise to those that know me well. But I wanted to share this because I have learned something this week. 

I learned that I don't have to have it all together...which I knew but somehow was trying to let myself believe that sometimes I do. I don't have to be the perfect wife, teacher, mom, or daughter. I can't be. I make mistakes. Daily. I also learned this-- I can't do this life alone. I need God. I need Him desperately. I need him to guide me every single day...to take me by the hand and show me how to live this life He gave me. I need Him to breathe truth and wisdom into me. I need Him to pour out His mercy on me. I need Him. I HAVE to lay down my pride and realize I am NOTHING without Him. Even when I think I can handle whatever life throws at me and I don't need help...I do. I need His strength. 

Then I remember that I serve a faithful God. A God that will not leave me. A God that forgives and a God that loves me. He loves me enough to let me fall on my face so I will realize it isn't my own strength that I lean on. I serve a God that gives me the energy and grace I need to face the day in front of me.

Ok, so that wasn't so bad...